Sixx:A.M. Life is beautiful

There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home...

You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't

I've done things that you won't 

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

When you lost it all, that's when u finally realise: that life... is beautiful

Through the lowest part of my life, this song had motivate me to drag myself to keep going forward. I don't know how much it could help you guys but I just thought of sharing it with you. Even now, when I feel like I really can't go on anymore, I listen to this song. Seems taboo, I know, but it works for me. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

Through the rough times, remember that Allah will never give His servant something he cannot bear. If He believes that you could get through this, have a little faith and trust yourself to keep moving forward. He is fair. Remember to be grateful, remember to be compassionate, remember to be patient. Good will come to those who wait (teehee Tangled ref. which btw was quoted from Violet Fane, 1892).

The most important thing to remember is that, in hardships, there is no one in this whole universe that could change the circumstance except you, yourself. People around you could only guide, lead and support but the changes; reaching out, crawling/running to the better place, understanding yourself, forgiving yourself, letting yourself to heal, these things you have to do it. I won't lie. While your trying to fix your self, there are people who will beat your already broken self down.There will be times where when you need people the most but they weren't there. It's okay. That's life. Don't give up on them, they might be the only one that stays. You will get scratched and bruised but at the end, after all the suffocation, you will finally be able to breath a new life. It's won't be dark there anymore. It won't be cold. Although, like everything else in life, this process will have a side effect. You will be left with scars and wounds that would never truly be gone. Your mind thinks in different ways. You learn to control yourself but you also lose some of yourself. You are no longer the broken one, you are a survivor.

Remember the pain that you've gone through and be kind, be loving; because we never know what sort of life the person walking pass by you had been through.

Cookie

These are some of my thoughts..

1. What am I trying to say here?

2. I could be dead right now.

3. Are you guys okay?

4. I should be studying.

5. I don't think we could survive in the real world.

6. I regret so much.

7. I figured out my favorite color after 19 years of living.

8. People around me are growing up in all the wrong ways.

9. Do I really want it back?

10. I won't always be lonely, but I will always be alone. 

11. I won't always be alone, but I will always be lonely.

12. I have so much love to give.

13. Don't.

14. Nobody will know what really happened.

15. I wonder how old that photo is.

16. I just bought a skateboard.

17. I can never go back to being normal.

18. I am no less than evil.

19. I crave salvation but I refuse to take it, every single time.

20. I bathe myself in lust to keep myself from grabbing the knife.

21. I can't love.

22. I have kittens running around outside my house.

23. I need to fix my posture.

24. How many more years?

25. They still haven't realized how messed up things are.

26. Non of my friends know how serious things are.

27. No fear of death will be the death of me.

28. I don't look at the sky that much anymore even though I want to.

29. My sister gave me a giraffe key chain.

30. Tears are a luxury.

31. I am always waiting for things to fall apart. 

32. My teeth.

33. I want money.

34. I'm more free.

35. I'm more materialistic.

36. Will my past effort help me when I need it?

37. I'm counting down the days to say bye.

38. Those important to me will never know the true extent of my love for them.

39. I want to pierce my cartilage.

40. I'm wasting my days.

41. I'm sad that nobody will know what I actually am.

42. The twins make me happy.

43. How can I travel further?

44. I will burn in hell.

45. I am afraid.

46. Blackbear is really good.

47. People will die and I will regret everything.

48. Forever goes a long way.

49. Fuck.

50. I don't know who I am anymore.

51. I am completely happy :)

H State

It might be the hormone talking

but who would've passed the chance on meeting a nice guy, right?




It's funny how you've mentioned the word "sex drive".
To me, that is the key of relationship. Depends on how you control it though. To Malays, the word is a bit sensitive as it is a taboo issue among us that is never actually being discussed openly.

But yes, to be able to love someone, you must've felt it along the way. And how nice it must've been to know that the feeling is mutually shared.

How nice it must've been to be able to cuddle with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to laugh with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to play house with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to kiss with someone who loves you,

How nice it must've been to be able to be doing it passionately, with someone who loves you.

Yes, there's the prospect of you and him falling out,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him fighting over nothing- or everything,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him ended-up divorcing,

But wouldn't it all be worth it in the end?
To be able to experience it, at least to know what and how it feels like- rather than being kept in the dark for years longing for it?

At least you've known.




But even I, am writing this with a heavy heart.

Is it all worth it?
Lord knows I know it's not. Explains my years of being alone.
I'm sorry if it's the same with you too.

Just know that
it's okay to be afraid.

It's okay to not be brave
sometimes you just have to take the plunge- and jump.

Love,

Book

Through the glass heart

Hah. Had a conversation with a friend the other day, about relationships and the importance of sex (I guess u can call it that lol) and this is basically how it went down:

Disclaimer: This is only my part of the conversation.

"Idk. I just wanna love someone till it hurts but not in a way it makes me sad or something like that. It hurts cause I love that person so much I don't want to lose him. It hurts cause I care so much about him and the thought of him not being by my side would never cross my mind. And if that person is willing to let someone go cause their sex drive is not the same, then he doesn't love her as much as he thought. You could communicate. There must be a reason why a person doesn't want it right? Timing? Practise? If she loves him so much, she would do it. They would find time. And if they do really love each other, they would have that lust for each other anyway. Idk, for him to let her go because of that, for me, is very sad. What happen to till death do us part and in sickness or in health? Empty vows? Idk. People fall out of love. I know, I understand. But when they are in love, I wished that they loved each other so much that nothing can get though."

"If we love each other so much, just get married. Simple. He can do what ever he wants. Usually people think like oh marriage, gonna have kids and stuff but that all can wait till they are stable enough. I just don't understand why on earth would a guy not marry the girl he think is The One."

"But then again, people say it's just sex right."

"if they do love each other they should and will have that lust for each other. So I would agree on your first statement [which is that if people don't lust for each other before marriage, then it would be the same after], but I guess, then, it's more about control and patience. I have loved a guy for 7 years. So I know how frustrating it is to want more. But I think it makes the sex more special you know. It's like the feeling when they say their vows or like the first time they hold their baby and feel like they could see the whole world in that baby. So they have to build a relationship that goes in that direction. Not like haha I just want someone to care for me but to love some so passionately. He could kiss me, hold me and stuff like that, I wouldn't mind. I think at that point, they should have already know if this person is the one or not. They have been through so much, they must of know what they want. So then just put a ring on it. As for the girl, she can't be a ***** about it too though. Like leading people around and in the end just let go. Plus, what would happen if i got into an accident and sex was out of the option? I gave him something more precious to me than my v card. I gave him my heart and cause I couldn't have sex with him, he just decides to shove it back to me and leaves. Just cause he 'can't take it anymore'. **** him man."

"Plus, okay probably it's just me but I am sorta kinda possessive but not in a way I'll be crazy jealous or anything. Sure probably pout here and there but cause I know he loves me, I wouldn't mind so much."

So yeah, learnt so much about myself that day. I don't know. I guess am the type of person who bundle up sex, love, trust and marriage together. And I guess another question I should ask when we had the conversation is "why would u want to have the sex in the first place?" because for me, I want to have it exclusively for my forever and always. It would be a sign that I gave you everything. No more secrets, No more holding back, No more waiting. I entrust you with my heart and happiness. You would be my warmth and I would be yours. but then again,

"maybe I am living in a fantasy world hahahahaha".

Cookie

Criss Crossing between grids

Take a deep breath. Inhale.

Then let everything go. Exhale.

Again. Inhale. Exhale.

In and out.

Everything's alright. 

There's nothing here.

I repeat the words again and again like a broken record. I wait patiently for the ceiling lights to slowly break through the gaps between my eyelids, like always, but today there is none. My mind starts to clear and my sense regains consciousness. It's dark outside, no stars in sight. Outside? 

I recall sitting at my table after a call. My heart felt heavy then as I realised the things I had missed while I was here. The air was dense and I just needed some fresh air, I needed to walk.

I glance to my sides and notice the empty streets. A faint breeze pass by and taking some of the heaviness away. I take another breath and let the warm air slip from my mouth. It's little lighter now, I notice, and began to pace forward; one step at a time. 

My head is buzzing with noise but I could not register the reason behind it. What are they saying? Everything is all jumbled up. The cacophonous of voices keeps on growing and they are closing in on me. I close my eyes, breathe in and change the wavelength. Tuning the voice as white noises scattering behind the back of my mind. This is the last time, I hoped.

I'll be the perfect daughter. The perfect student, perfect worker, prefect wife and perfect mum. As perfect as I could be but, just this time, let me fall apart, let me be reckless, let me be me. 

Cookie

Fire.

It was for a class homework when I was still in KTJ.

Cambridge IGCSE First Language English: May/June 2010

Write a story where fire is the central theme.

Glowing in the darkened room, it steals my attention by its enchanting beauty. Streaming up from the pile of wood, a magnificent shade of orange and overwhelming bright red flow out. Fire; one of the most important elements that keeps balance of the world. Currently in the summer’s heat, my people are celebrating the fire festival. I look at the lantern and remember that day.

Two days ago, the beginning of the fire festival, I was woken up by my little brother hyperly jumping on my bed. He was the only family I had since mom and dad died. After taking a long refreshing shower, I dressed in the traditional fire festival outfit and since fire is usually in the hue of red to orange, it’s common to see passers-by proudly walking with these shades of colours. This year I was having fun with my costume therefore I made a decision to paint my face with white acting as a base and strokes of red to symbolise fire.

In the afternoon, I brought my little brother, Marco, to witness his first fire festival. It would be quite dangerous to bring little toddlers into the fire festival due to the omnipresence of fire. The first thing I did was to buy two exotic lanterns for each of us as it was also a tradition of our tribe. Then Marco and I wondered throughout the stalls that were set-up a day before the celebration started. The stalls were selling many things: various kinds of mouth-watering foods, masks, traditional ornaments that related to fire and the most important, fireworks and firecrackers.

Time flied when you enjoyed yourself and without us realising, the gigantic red ball of fire, the sun, had sunk in the far away horizon. Illuminating the area, the lanterns glowed beautifully in the night with the moon and scattered stars. The main event was about to start. Suddenly, a flash mob of dancers started dancing the fire dance in the middle of the pathway and a crowd started to form.

With dancers the dancers as a distraction, a group of people came from the side and started doing tricks with fire. Hence, the parade of the glorious fire began. The parade acted as a tour guide and led us to our final destination. Marco was bubbling with laughter and smiles. It warmed my heart. Without knowing what was instore for me in the future, I, too, unconsciously smile .When we reach our final destination, Marco was amazed by the colossal bonfire built on the golden grain of sand.

In the summer’s night breeze, I let Marco played with friends when he met them on the beach. I sat on a log next to the bonfire and observed the scenery around me. A few girls sat with me and I got carried away. Marco was playing near the sea and when I got distracted, the mischievous sea swallowed my brother whole. Luckily, using my ninja reflexes, I get there just in time to save my one and only brother. I scolded him for not being careful and apologised for my carelessness.

Abruptly the bonfire exploded, continued with peoples’ screams. A wave of panic was created and we tried to get to safety but there were so many people that were pushing and pulling. Our knotted hands were untied and we were pushed away from each other by the wave. I a distance, I saw my brother fell to the ground and left behind. I tried to fight the wave but it was too late. The burning wooden billboard fell on top of my beloved brother.

Flashes of my brother’s smile and laughter come to mind while tears slid down my face. I tried to go to him but the civilian had a tight grip on my hand and telling me it’s useless to go there. That was the last time I saw my brother and now, as I’m sitting in front of my fireplace, I still think about my brother.

Today is another lonesome day with the absence of Marco. I stand and put out the fire. “Good night, Marco.” I say and go off to sleep.

Cookie

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Puddin'

                                 


So...
Suicide Squad. The movie that's blowing up in theaters right now, yes that one. Taking a break from heavy emotional ranting, I feel like I shall discuss about my new found interest tonight. That okay?

Okay.

Everybody knows about superhero movies, right? Batman, Superman, Spiderman, to name a few. And then this Marvel Superhero craze suddenly sweeps the whole world by its feet, and you suddenly see superheroes everywhere, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, Ironman, it has been movie after movie after movie of the same bunch of heroes with almost the same back story and plot, the same conflict, the same CGI-heavy-super-predictable fight choreography... I mean no offense but I have personally never been a fan of The Avengers or anything of the sort.

But then words got out about Suicide Squad, and I went okay, yet another life-action film of a comic book story (severe eye-rolling). But then everybody got so hyped up about it, especially about Harley and Joker and there were mentions of unpleasantness going on regarding their romanticized abusive relationship and  my ears shot straight up.

What was all this about abuse? And Stockholm Syndrome? And all these other deep emotional psychological argument ... about a DC comic story? Now THIS is worth my attention.

So I did what I had to do which was Google the heck outta this whole thing and lemme tell you, I. WAS. HOOKED.

I've never been so excited about cartoon characters as much as I am right now. DC comics, props to you. Safe to say that I discovered a different part about myself because of this. Suicide Squad, or their original name Task Force X, and more particularly Harley Quinn and The Joker, have made me realize why I've never cared about all those other superheroes as much. Because they're basic. They are black and white. They are cliche. And I'm sick of it. They're the good guys, always fighting for one purpose; to save the world. And almost all of em have like some sort of betrayal that happened to them that made them do what they do. We get it, you wanna avenge the death of Uncle Ben. You wanna do good even when the US government betrayed you. You have a responsibility to protect us from Loki. (more severe eye-rolling).

But with the villains, especially everyone's favorite pair, Harley and Joker, they all deal with very different and very personal issues. Issues that are not so black and white. Issues that really make you
think and consider. They make me wanna put myself in their shoes and figure out why they are that way. They make you feel for them, because they have depth. Because they feel real. The conflicts that they face are far from superficial and have way more complexities.

And for some reason, (dunno if this is normal or i'm just weird) but personally, I find them very relevant. On a very, very personal level. Like I feel it deep in the pit of my gut. And the core of my brain. (tell me if i'm weird) Their relationship is almost like the analogy to my my relationship with myself. And all this, from comic characters? Unexpected indeed.

So yeah, now I am crazy for the comics, and the "bad guys" and I am looking forward to seeing Joker and Harley on the big screens again. If any of you have the same interest in them, feel free to discuss.I am more than happy to engage.

Okay that's all I guess. Basically this post was just a wordy movie hype if anything. Haha..

Okay, bye. Thanks for reading.

Split Second

SECRETS

We all have them.
Let me tell you one of mine.

Sometimes. or rather, most of the time now, I look at the three of you and I feel afraid.
Among all my friends and acquaintances, I very much consider you guys as the closest few.

I get scared of how much you don't know about me.

Sure, we all have parts that are hidden away from certain people. My peers know one side of me, my teachers know one side of me, my parents know one side of me, and you guys, well, you know a few parts of me.

But I worry about the parts that nobody but God knows about.

There is so much that nobody knows about me, at times it feels too much that it suffocates me. Both the bad ones and the good ones, remaining in a captivity of silence.

What if something happens to me, and I leave this world along with all those things? Nobody would ever know, the extra good and the extra bad. Buried along with me.

I wonder, if that happens, or when, would it make a difference if I have told everyone? Someone? About all those things?

I am not writing this to start something. To make people ask me what. No, not at all.
I am writing this, because I know myself well enough to know that I could never open those extra boxes. And I know they will be buried along with me later on.

I am writing this, in the hopes that later, if my parents, my family or anyone who knows me for that matter, decides to suddenly wonder about me...
Then please know that nobody ever really did know me. And that I am so, so much more than what I ever was in the time that I was still there. I am sorry for everything. I am beyond sorry.

Please know that I had the best intentions. And I make mistakes. And I am not well skilled at communicating. And above all that I tried. So hard.

So yes, I am complicated. I am intoxicated. I am aimless and selfish and egoistic.
And perhaps all those extra boxes won't ever be completely spilled over.
And maybe I'm just not meant to be more than what you see.



I have a whole world inside me.
Maybe it'll make you proud, or the opposite. I don't know.
Either way..
I am sorry. to you and to myself, that I couldn't share it with you.
I wish I could.
I wish I could let myself be known wholly. But then again, that never really happens.
Not with me.
Not with anybody.

Thoughts..

Alone.

We've all been that before. We've all felt that before. Many times. Whether it's good or bad is entirely what you make of it. Being alone can make you feel better or it can make you feel worse. But I didn't know that it could make me feel nothing. 

It was almost like it was just... a fact. I am alone. I don't feel bad about it but I don't feel good about it either. It dawned upon me like a slow realisation, that comes along with age. The older I get, the more I see behind the curtains. And the more I understand, that people are people. That my friends are people. That my family are people. Individuals, with their own complexities, their own different rationales, their own logic and feelings and connection levels. 

Sometimes it still catches me by surprise, how lost I get in their roles.

Why are you being this way? I thought you were my friend. How could you do this? I thought you were my parents. 

How, why, the questions, the confusion, the betrayal, it can all be made into sense by one answer.

They are all real people. People that can change their minds. People that need convincing. People that need to be impressed. People that can be disappointed. 

And I realised that effort is required within these relationships. But I am scared to admit that I was disappointed. And that I got disheartened. And that I stopped giving a fuck. Because I am weak and dependant, and now I can't be anymore. 

I don't know what to do, or where to go.

But I know that I am alone. And perhaps, it's better that way. 

It has been a saddening day for the rose. The day has finally come, and sadly it didn't get picked by its master. The rose was sure of itself- that the master will definitely handpicked it first, but the reality sets in. The rose felt the deep cut of its own thorn when its being left-out in the middle, all alone.
 The rose felt as if it was the punishment of being too self-absorbed with its position- the rose was so proud of its position, the Sun become its best friend and the Wind was its companion, and now it looks like it will always be that way. The master must've felt the same way too.

The rose thought that its colour was the reddest of  all, the fast-bloomer compared to the others, but the rose forget to see its reflection on the puddle the Rain left;
the rose is only a weed among the sunflowers. 
The colour contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's eyes. 
The texture contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's hands.

And so the rose realized. And it takes so much of a willpower for it not to wilt, as the rose believes,  that it's enough for the rose to be the only to believe.
It is enough. It's more than enough.

And so the rose continued to blossom. It is a promise the rose intend to keep. To no one-but itself.

The Evening Worth Remembering

Alhamdulillah, I've just completed my Intro to Law subject's presentation last night. I had the chance to work with a great team who put in the best effort so all in all, everything ran smoothly.

Just wanted to recap on some of the things so I won't completely forget about it. Which I'm starting to miss it already.

My team has 5 members; including me. 2 guys named Ali and Afiq, both have silent humour, before knowing them I had no idea of their lame jokes because they seem reserved yet they're both hardworking alhamdulillah. The other 2 girls named Amyra and Hafizah are both great too, they're super sweet, a total opposite of me. Yet we can all balance each other out with our tolerance and consideration.

I am super blessed to be granted a chance to have these people who are reliable and trustworthy with the amount of task given to them. Regardless how crazy or weird the ideas that I suggested to them (because apparently I was the leader lol) they will try to reason it out first rather than rejecting it cold turkey. And that what makes me miss them the most. To think that us being a team was simply because of the random assortments from our lecturer; Miss Adibah.

So last evening marks the end of our group project for ITL's class, the only assessments left would be a quiz and the final exam.

We were lucky to get to choose the Court for Children as our topic. Quite simple, not really much hassle unlike the other courts, most probably because the scope of the cases they cater to which only relating to children. Lol. So yeah we get to present our topic in childlike manner, we used Dora the Explorer's theme song as our opening, me as the host of the episode and the others as my 'so-called' super intelligent friends who enlightened me on the CFC lolz. The audience was so sporting, they clapped and laughed all the way. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

The moment our presentation ended, Miss raised her hand and I started to feel nervous waiting for her question, turned out all she wanted to ask was

"so what is the next episode is going to talk about?"

and the whole class laughed upon hearing my answer.

"oh yes I forgot to tell all of you that this is actually my last episode. I won't be hosting the show anymore, sad I know."

Hahahahha. Even I tried my best not to laugh during my presentation. Mind you, I was shaking so badly. In the middle of trying to shush them down because of their uncontrollable laughter during the explanation, even I can't control my laugh either. Kelakar kan? Lol

But yes all of this won't work if I didn't get the full support from my team members. Alhamdulillah. Super blessed indeed. Whatever marks we'll get later on, we've done our best.







Moments like these makes me think of you guys. I wish you were here :)

Love, Book

Lately I've been learning

Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I really don’t like myself. Maybe I accidentally open my camera and it’s front-facing, maybe I speak a little too loudly and someone asks me to be quiet, maybe I text someone something that in retrospect was dumb. Sometimes it's something, most days it’s nothing. But to be honest there are days when I wonder what’s so great about me.

I’m telling you this not so you’ll think I’m cool or tell me why you like me. But rather as a reminder that the greatest battle each of us face is with ourselves. It’s so easy to forgive others their imperfections and love them for the essence of who they are. And yet when it comes to loving ourselves, our love is conditional. We have to be smart, thin, poised, graceful, flirty, driven, post perfect selfies, and always text back a clever emoji before we’ll even consider the fact that maybe we deserve a little love, too.

But the truth is you do. You deserve to love yourself without any condition. What a simple revelation.

Lately I’ve been learning to be a little nicer to myself, to pursue myself like I would anyone else. I look in the mirror and look for the good. I read books that make my mind feel beautiful. I listen to music that makes my soul soar. I treat myself to a little love, and the thing I’ve found is that loving myself makes me a much better person to be around. It means I have more love to give to those around me, more happiness to share. I know it’s not always easy, but you have to be kinder to yourself. You must, because frankly we need more people like you to be themselves. A little love goes a long way.

So do you, you beautiful butterfly. We’re waiting.

“I learned to love myself unconditionally because I am a queen.” –India Aire, "Video"

(Copied from Buzzfeed's Ashley newsletter)

Fields of Gold. By Sting.

Last November I stayed at a hotel. That one night, around midnight, someone was singing live and his voice echoed throughout the entire building. The atmosphere was mesmerizing and I didn't know who he was nor what song he was singing, all I managed to do was record a short clip of him singing. I never did find out who he was, though I had my suspicion that it was that tall, demure man with wrinkles on his face and wisdom in his eyes I saw in the lobby the following morning.

     The song, however. The song came on the radio a few nights ago. And I searched it up online and finally I got it. Something I've been searching for months and it came almost as a sort of unexpected comfort.

     Recently, I found myself in a state of confusion as well as false certainty. Whether or not I wanted something, genuinely, or for the sake of just wanting it because it seemed fitting that I do. Right in
the middle of my contemplation, it suddenly dropped on me, that I was a little too late. I have not made up my mind, but even if I have, it wouldn't have made any difference, because I couldn't have it any more even if I wanted to. And so despair dawned upon me, and I faced it every single day, pretending that it was all just fine, as cliche as that may sound.

     It was a painful surprise, knowing I have been denied before I could even make up a stand. I placed myself on the line, and for the very first time I laid it out on the table and confronted it. So it came as somewhat unexpected but then again, knowing myself, maybe I shouldn't have got my hopes up that high anyway.

     I decided to be cool about it though. And to not let it get in the way of more important things, things that I know have deeper value to me. So I swallowed my pride and pain and all the other things and I treated my days like I should. What came after that was something I did not expect to happen that quickly.

Comfort.

     An unexpected comfort. Knowing that I acknowledged what happened as just something that happened. Realizing that I am capable of moving past pain if I put my mind to it. Finding out that I can be okay even when it bothers me. All these years of practise finally done me good. At least something good came out of it.

     So I'll forget the sun in his jealous sky.
     As I lie in fields of gold.

 

Love, Book.

I'm learning to be more, connected with myself.

I'm learning to see things from perspectives.

I'm learning to love myself more.

I'm learning to appreciate me more. I'm learning not to let others evaluation on me to overshadow my worth.

I'm learning to cherish those who love me more. I'm learning to not be affected by simple things.

I'm learning to let go.

I'm learning to be strong. Stronger than before.

I'm learning to get rid of the bad habits even though old habits die hard, but I'm willing to try. I want to. I want to never stop learning on how to.

I'm learning to prioritize my responsibilities.
As a servant to Allah and a caliph to the world,
As a daughter to my parents and a sister to my siblings,
As a friend to each one of you and a student for the sake of my future,
As a girl who knows her worth and value and will never let anything shaken her from what she believes.
As a girl who for the moment, is appreciating all the love that she gets because she realizes that one day, she'll be gone from this world and even if that thought scares her, what makes her worried more is that the people around her didn't get the treatment that they deserves from her when she was still alive.

Just like between her and Allah, she's afraid that she might not has been a good slave to Him, she might has not worked hard enough on worshiping Him and carrying out her duties on being a good muslimah.

So I learn to relearn everything that I thought I already learnt, and know.

I'm going to learn to improve myself. Eventually, insya-Allah all the other missing pieces will fall into its places too.

Insya-Allah. Please dont forget to include me in your du'as. Together we shall strive this world with ease for the benefit of the Hereafter insya-Allah. Aaminnn.

I don't understand how this stupid, stupid contradiction can exist. 

I don't understand how all I ever feel for you is the opposite of what you say I'm showing.

How is it that I can spend years with pleasing you as my goal, and have that effort on every inch of my mind, and yet you claim that all I show is hatred.

How is it that I can't make you see that I live for your acceptance.

Why is it that I can never seem to make you sense my desperation for your approval of my existence.

How am I not able to make you see that you are all I live for.

Food for thought...

I've spent most of my life existing.

To live, now those are moments that I can count with my fingers.

I'm not saying that I'm not proud of the life I've lived so far.

I think I'm just coming up with a mere suggestion, to really push myself out of my comfort zone.

To really start going for things.

To just try. 

Maybe I'll end up liking it, maybe I won't. But if I don't like it, I can always back out.

I'm starting this tonight. I'm going to go for things which I usually don't give a care about.

Like, writing a blog post without any initial drafts. This post is completely spontaneous. Impromptu.

And I've also just signed up for the school's new angklung club. Just to try it out.

Cause I have to admit, my resume so far is pretty boring.

Okay, what else can I do?

Haha, it's the little things...  I think sometimes just a tiny gesture of self appreciation is all it really takes for us to feel better. Self healing is a really simple process if you can convince yourself that it is.

It's all you. 

Okay , I don't know what else to write about. I just wanted to express a few things on my mind and that's all I guess, haha

Okay.

Yours truly, 

crust.

Third Time's The Charm

I BROKE THE CURSE, MUHUHUHAHA

Alhamdulillah for 2016.

 Okay so here's what happened.

 I don't know if you know, but in all honesty, my seventeenth and eighteenth birthday were some of the worst days I've ever had.

That's two birthdays in a row. I remember those days vividly. My friends and you guys somewhat made my day but aside from having an emotional wreck and a mental breakdown, I mostly just sat there alone in a corner and feel bad. Just feeling really negative in general. And then there was the usual tension with my mother and everything and blah blah blah...

So this year for my nineteenth birthday, I didn't really expect anything aside from the usual birthday wishes. I really didn't wanna get my hopes up thinking ohhh maybe this year might turn out different. Different as in, MAYBE just maybe on my birthday this year I could actually get through the day without spiralling into another one of my "episodes" cause I haven't had those in a while. And I was really worried I might go back to that phase. Acting crazy and all. I don't really like my birthday.

Hence, the day before the big day, I mentally prepared myself to switch off. I told myself to just switch everything off, and don't feel anything, don't react to anything, don't do anything, don't say anything. This way, when something bad happens, I can just get through it with ease and a stone cold expression on my face. This would allow me to regain positivity much easier. It's easier to go from neutral to gear 5 then to be in gear 2 in the first place. (i have no idea what i'm talking about but i think u get it)

And then I woke up the next morning and it was my birthday. Okay... be cool. Don't ruin the neutral mode, just keep everything in check. So i got up extra early to make sure I could help out my mom as much as I could (it was a school day, my mom is almost always in a bad mood on school days). So I helped out here and there, and i never said anything and  i never even looked at her in the eye. The best way to not mess with her mood is by keeping my presence as low-key as possible.

CHECK. I got through the wee hours of the morning safely. Nothing ruined. By dawn, I noticed gifts on my desk and a little bday card, and she said happy birthday. And I just smiled and said a simple thank you. My guards were still up. That's a good thing. Always, I repeat ALWAYS be safe than sorry. I watched my every move and every word, DON'T SAY OR DO ANYTHING or I might ruin her mood. And then after that things went okay and I went to school. I got wishes from my sis and my dad on the way.

I got to KFC to meet dibo as usual, and the first thing she did was smile at me and that was when i put my guards down. Yeayy, now I can just relax and reply at the wishes that were to come. Dibo said happy birthday and left a message on whatsapp and I replied thank you, and I was glad to finally chill. And I was already satisfied, I was thinking.... "YES, alhamdulillah, today was a good birthday, I got through okay, I'm happy with it". So I went to class feeling okay. And I didn't expect my birthday to get any better.

But it did.

I got to class and got wishes from some of my girl classmates (btw some of my classmates already wished me at midnight through class whatsapp group) and one girl even hugged me. I smiled and laughed and carried on. And school carried on and most of them already wished me. Some guys repeatedly wished me just to annoy me. And then I unexpectedly got gifts! I didn't expect to get any gifts at all, and they gave me gifts! And what's funny is every gift I got was in the form of a food item and they all came from my guy friends. And I was really surprised and I find it really funny. They gave me cookies and candy in toy tubes and mentos and pepero and all I did was laugh my head off. They treated me like a five-year old. My deskmate said they all gave me food cause i'm too skinny. That was really thoughtful of them.

And we laughed and joked together and before school ended the whole class sang me a birthday song and that was my nineteenth birthday.

And yes, one of you got the date wrong and one of you forgot, but it doesn't matter cause I know you guys care so nonetheless it was a terrific birthday. I'm just glad it wasn't a third chaos in a row. Three years in a row would've been really bad, haha. The thing that made me happy the most was how I was granted a lot more self control and I was really proud at how I handled things this time.

Alhamdulillah for everything :D

Forever older than you,
crust.

Aida and her Adventure

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

From where should I begin?

Probably from the beginning; okay lets rewind shall we?

So it was 6am and alhamdulillah I woke up from my sleep. Waited for azaan to be called out, prayed subuh prayer and made myself a mug of nestum mixed with tamar cocoa afterwards, yes I was feeling productive mind you, it is the first day of class afterall lolz. Next I went to take my shower in the dark seems our toilet's electricity didnt worked..I have no idea why bcs it seems like that happened ALOT of times apparently.

So the thing is I alr screenshotted my schedule and based from my understanding, I'm gonna have class at 8am. Off I went to it. When I arrived at the venue, there were already students in it, so yeah as always I went straight to the front seat and thats when my worst memory was made; I fell off the chair, backwards. HAHAHA to make it worst, the girls who were helping me to stand were awfully quiet like there was no normal gushing like "omg are u ok" except for one or two takbir and astaghfirullah. Thats it. So yes ofc me being me I laughed it out. Alone. So yes I did looked like a crazy lunatic there thank you very much, no need to point it out.

After I managed to sit on a fine chair, I tried to brushed off the accident by looking at my phone awkwardly. Remembering my one of many resolutions this year which is to make new friends without any prejudice, I awkwardly turned to the back where the rest of the girls sit (i was sitting alone at the front padan muka nak duduk depan sangat kan hahahahahha) and pretty much the conversation went like this.

me: em hai..(awkward silence ensued hence an awkward smile was given to lighten the awkward situation) budak law ke?

girl 1: (hesitant ((probably bcs of my crazy laugh earlier))) eh tak..budak malcom

me: oh yeke..ok..haha.. (me thinking of oh this is just like that one class where they mixed all the students regardless what course we're in)

me: (attempting a conversation) ni section 302 kan? (looking at the girl 2 besides girl 1) *one valuable tip to make new friends: never neglects that someone besides the person you're talking to

girl 2: eh tak....(searched through her notebook) ni section 312..

me: (thinking she messed it up since 312 and 302 is pretty close) eh yeke..but ive screenshotted the schedule and it stated here its 302..

girl 2: eh taklah..ni 312 lah..

me: (feeling curious) ni kelas introduction to law kan?

girl 2: eh tak..ni kelas english (she looked at girl 1 to ask for confirmation and unfortunately girl 1 nodded)

me: eh yeke.............oh first year ke?

girl 2 & girl 1: ha'ah..

me: oh patutlah..kita second year (I REGRET THIS VERY MUCH BCS I LIED AND THERES NO REASON TO REASON THIS LIE)

girl 1 & girl 2: (awkwardly nodded)

me: (an even awkward smile) em takpelah mcmtu..ada mixed up lah tu..saya pergi dulu lah, assalamualaikum bye..

& then I left without looking back.

All this happened in within tak sampai 10 mins pun I think.

So I went to the library and sat there for quite some time..wanted to check the schedule again using the library's computer but sadly the computer cant be used..so I went back to the class and waited outside in hope to catch the lecturer bfore he or she went in to show him or her my schedule.. as I was waiting and staring hard at my already-screenshotted-schedule...I noticed that besides the 8, instead of the word AM, its actually PM.

Yes, my class is at night. I was at the right venue, just at the wrong time. Allahuakbar.

So back I went to my room. Mahirah and Sabrina were getting ready for their classes and I, being the classic Aida immediately burst out and told them almost everything that just happened hahahahaha Sabrina terus check jadual dia lolz bcs in my defense, selalunya kelas malam dia tak tulis kat portal..selalunya kelas malamni its not something you make it official until its being written on the portal LOLLOLOL haih and Mahirah's comment was:

"apa nak jadila dgn aida ni..malam td salah masuk bilik..pagi ni jadi mcmni pulak hahaha aida dh kenapa"

Ha yg tu pun lawak gak..lepas ambik wudhu' kat bilik air dgn tak pakai speknya, I was walking back with my head down like always, bertafakkur la kononnya hahahaha sampai boleh terlepas bilik and salah masuk bilik orang lain ahhahaha yg tk boleh blah tu bilik org tu tk berkunci so mmg lg sikit je aida masuk bilik diorg hahahahah k.

SO tu lah, and then lpas diorg pg kelas aida terus bukak laptop buat jadual sendiri kt words. I organized them back sbb jadual kat portal slalu berterabur hahahhaa and lpastu pg kelas pukul 11. Public speaking class; alhamdulillah I managed to make new friends there yeayyy and lecturer tak datang after half an hour we waited so I went to check my English level, supposedly Aida kena ambik level 6 sem ni but turns out blablabla Aida dah exempted English yeayyy so no more English classes for me huhuhu fokus kat arab je skrg hihi.

Kelas Business Studies pukul 2-4pm tadi pulak takde elektrik hahahah so basically we were sitting in a confined sauna with almost 20 students altogether hahaha the lecturer was an old man btw so he was quite cute and the kind of guy who can got distracted by talking about another topic again and again or from one topic to another so yeah, cute hahahha. Reminds me of my grandpa hehehe.

Blablabla sir lepaskan awal setengah jam, Aida dgn kawan Aida terus pg library sejukkan badan hahahha and then pg kelas Arab. Kelas Arab sejuk alhamdulillah!!! Lpastu tetiba someone dtg inform yg ustazah kata kelas start esok sooo yeayy

OK THIS IS THE BEST PART I mean takdela best mana but ok

Otw pg Quranic Language Department to buy Arab's notebook, I em bumped into my crush. He was with his friend and he called out my name and then he asked me what subjects I take this sem. KFINE I ADMIT I ACT DH NAMPAK DIA DARI JAUH HAHAHAH but I wasnt really sure if it was himmmmmm but then I was like ok lets just pretend I didnt see him if it was really him so as I was talking animatedly with my friend DIA TEGUR HAHAHHAA HAHHAHA HAHAHA ahahahahah sooooo yeah the conversation was pretty awkward I MEAN I WAS BEING AWKWARD I COULDNT EVEN STRING A PERFECT SENTENCE AND BASICALLY JUST AGREED WITH EVERYTHING HE SAID GOD IM SOOOO UGH but he was being cool as usual gosh. Oh my goodness. Haih. He did teased me about my current status as Law student and I was like hey this friend of mine over here is a recently-changed-programme-student too and she was in fact from encom (another english course) too and then HE SAID oh so you guys are the murtad group la and I STUPIDLY SAID well yes I guess you could called us that SEE HOW STUPID MY RESPONSE WAS AND HE WAS LIKE WHAT WE CAN CALL YOU WHAT AND LAUGHED WITH HIS FRIEND I WAS LIKE WHAT WHAT DID I SAY AND MENTALLY KNOCKED MY HEAD OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH MY FIST so yeah

k. Tu je kot. And then I was like meh. What a day. And I still have a two-hour class to attend tonight. Wish me luck guys hahahaha called ygirls bcs of this actually, wanted to rant this out to you but yeah I understand, its Monday anyway hahaha soooo ok. Tu je huhu. Muah muah. Hehes