Thoughts..

Alone.

We've all been that before. We've all felt that before. Many times. Whether it's good or bad is entirely what you make of it. Being alone can make you feel better or it can make you feel worse. But I didn't know that it could make me feel nothing. 

It was almost like it was just... a fact. I am alone. I don't feel bad about it but I don't feel good about it either. It dawned upon me like a slow realisation, that comes along with age. The older I get, the more I see behind the curtains. And the more I understand, that people are people. That my friends are people. That my family are people. Individuals, with their own complexities, their own different rationales, their own logic and feelings and connection levels. 

Sometimes it still catches me by surprise, how lost I get in their roles.

Why are you being this way? I thought you were my friend. How could you do this? I thought you were my parents. 

How, why, the questions, the confusion, the betrayal, it can all be made into sense by one answer.

They are all real people. People that can change their minds. People that need convincing. People that need to be impressed. People that can be disappointed. 

And I realised that effort is required within these relationships. But I am scared to admit that I was disappointed. And that I got disheartened. And that I stopped giving a fuck. Because I am weak and dependant, and now I can't be anymore. 

I don't know what to do, or where to go.

But I know that I am alone. And perhaps, it's better that way.