jumbles and shambles

There are so many things I want to say. To share. To voice out.
But it's all stuck at my throat.

There are so many things I see, I experience.
I'd leap to my feet, grabbed my phone but as I type,
I stopped.

I'm not sure how you would react.
How I should react after.
So many possibilities, so many outcome.

But the worst case stuck with us
and I pressed delete.

I say I trust you but why can't I press send?

You are whom I trust most
but you are also the person that cares about me most.

The possibility of losing a place where where I could run to,
terrifies me.
But then why am I the one running away?

Layer by layer,
I wrap myself with bubble wrap
to protect me yet at the same time,
I'm suffocating myself

I was walking one day
and when I finally stopped and look around,
and would I ask myself,
Where am I? How did I get here?
but the only answer I heard
was just the echoes in my head.

cookie

Something over and beyond

How willing are you to hand another person something you regard as important?
How much trust does one need to be able to hold such things?

Buried behind layers of broken pieces, trying to protect what's left
Something so fragile that one might assume that, just by touching, it could possibly break it

cookie

Criss Crossing between grids

Take a deep breath. Inhale.

Then let everything go. Exhale.

Again. Inhale. Exhale.

In and out.

Everything's alright. 

There's nothing here.

I repeat the words again and again like a broken record. I wait patiently for the ceiling lights to slowly break through the gaps between my eyelids, like always, but today there is none. My mind starts to clear and my sense regains consciousness. It's dark outside, no stars in sight. Outside? 

I recall sitting at my table after a call. My heart felt heavy then as I realised the things I had missed while I was here. The air was dense and I just needed some fresh air, I needed to walk.

I glance to my sides and notice the empty streets. A faint breeze pass by and taking some of the heaviness away. I take another breath and let the warm air slip from my mouth. It's little lighter now, I notice, and began to pace forward; one step at a time. 

My head is buzzing with noise but I could not register the reason behind it. What are they saying? Everything is all jumbled up. The cacophonous of voices keeps on growing and they are closing in on me. I close my eyes, breathe in and change the wavelength. Tuning the voice as white noises scattering behind the back of my mind. This is the last time, I hoped.

I'll be the perfect daughter. The perfect student, perfect worker, prefect wife and perfect mum. As perfect as I could be but, just this time, let me fall apart, let me be reckless, let me be me. 

Cookie

Undefined

HelloHello

Good morning, good afternoon, good night.

Anyone, from which ever time zone you are , from which ever period of time you are, I hope that you can hear this whisper cause i'm getting tired of calling out with a broken larynx.

The hope that used to radiate with confidence is slowly fading in a distance.

How magnificent  and how complex can the human being get?
Desperately pumping blood through it system in order to stay alive. Did u know that the heart pulses about a hundred thousand times a day? So, about thirty six million times a year?  I wonder, just what are we fighting for , every day, every hour, every second? Why are we trying so hard to stay alive?

Honestly, I don't even know why i'm writing this. Why i'm feeling this. It's weird how a person could feel so much but at the same time, it feels so void.

it kinda feels like life is a penumbra ne~~? Something so ambiguous, something so complex and something so close to the light and the dark but belongs to none of them. An Outlier wedge between the defined.

Honestly, i'm typing anything that is in my mind right now. It might make sense but it may not as well. hah, I don't know guys. I'm trying to figure this out too. I don't understand it either but somehow, maybe by writing this out, the bug that is crawling in my head will go away or at least come out and give me a proper understanding of why it's there.

love,
xoxo cookie.

p/s: this personality will go away now. Sorry, just for a period of time, this personality managed to escape the cage. Bye

Because You Matter

I am not certain where to start and how will this end but I will give my best.

Assalammualaikum lil boxes. I miss all of u so much and it feels different here without all the people I care and held dear in my petite heart. It seems that Aida have reached the limit of her sanity in the absence of her mobile phone while I was not here. xD regardless i still love ya.

So, u seemed eager to hear how I have been doing these few weeks. Well, the weather is the same as Malaysia....

...

That was an unfinished draft I had written a few weeks ago. Why had I only ended there? Why didn't I post it? Well, partly because I don't know what to write and I felt as if it was not entirely from my heart. I was not ready yet at the moment i guess.

I'm writing here today cause I finally have a day that I decided to be a completely couch potato. Nesting more fat in my stomach and leaving an aggregate load of homework on my table to collect dust. I'm in the living room now, sitting on a chair, typing while hugging my left leg close, eating nutella from a knife (table knife ofc) and listening to my Michael Buble track.

Are you here with me yet?

I'm feeling very content at this moment of time. There are ,of course, a considerable amount of obstacle that should hinder me from feeling happy and content but I had decided to not let those feeling narrow my vision from seeing the bigger picture where it shows that there are actually good things that happen to me and I'm grateful that those things are in my life as well.

 Missing my friends, my family and the environment I was in while in Malaysia. Feeling like a total gijin at time and just so empty. I fail and I fall but I just have to talk to myself, encourage myself that everything is okay, there have got to be something better around that boulder that's stopping you. You have got to stand up. Patience is the key.

So, it's okay to cry; to throw a tantrum like a 5 year old cause let's just face it. We are not strong. However, just as Kelly Clarkson had said before in her song, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. We can't wait, sometimes, for a hand to reach out to us in order to get back on your feet. We, ourselves, have to bush off those little dust of misery and pat our selves while saying you are going to be fine.

Nevertheless, we are humans. Know that there are people who love you for you and don't be afraid to lean onto their shoulder. Keeping it to yourself will destroy you from the inside; spreading like a virus from your mental state to your physical state. Pick up that mobile phone or go knock on that someone's door and cry. Break down and bawl your heart out. I'm sorry cause I can't be there for you guys but know that I support you MKKs, Otromeru, Dynamic Girls (hopefully you guys have't forgotten this) and last but surely not least my betistil selfie partner. My soul is there with you. Catching your every tear you shed. Love you people okay and I believe that you guys will find a way to walk around every boulder that's in your way. 

Please don't think that you will disturb me if you call and please, please, please don't think that the feeling that's causing you misery should be nothing compared to what others are feeling cause your feeling matters and if that's how your feeling, I'm always here to hear you out. So, please don't hide and runway. I'm here.

xoxo, 
Cookie