Split Second

SECRETS

We all have them.
Let me tell you one of mine.

Sometimes. or rather, most of the time now, I look at the three of you and I feel afraid.
Among all my friends and acquaintances, I very much consider you guys as the closest few.

I get scared of how much you don't know about me.

Sure, we all have parts that are hidden away from certain people. My peers know one side of me, my teachers know one side of me, my parents know one side of me, and you guys, well, you know a few parts of me.

But I worry about the parts that nobody but God knows about.

There is so much that nobody knows about me, at times it feels too much that it suffocates me. Both the bad ones and the good ones, remaining in a captivity of silence.

What if something happens to me, and I leave this world along with all those things? Nobody would ever know, the extra good and the extra bad. Buried along with me.

I wonder, if that happens, or when, would it make a difference if I have told everyone? Someone? About all those things?

I am not writing this to start something. To make people ask me what. No, not at all.
I am writing this, because I know myself well enough to know that I could never open those extra boxes. And I know they will be buried along with me later on.

I am writing this, in the hopes that later, if my parents, my family or anyone who knows me for that matter, decides to suddenly wonder about me...
Then please know that nobody ever really did know me. And that I am so, so much more than what I ever was in the time that I was still there. I am sorry for everything. I am beyond sorry.

Please know that I had the best intentions. And I make mistakes. And I am not well skilled at communicating. And above all that I tried. So hard.

So yes, I am complicated. I am intoxicated. I am aimless and selfish and egoistic.
And perhaps all those extra boxes won't ever be completely spilled over.
And maybe I'm just not meant to be more than what you see.



I have a whole world inside me.
Maybe it'll make you proud, or the opposite. I don't know.
Either way..
I am sorry. to you and to myself, that I couldn't share it with you.
I wish I could.
I wish I could let myself be known wholly. But then again, that never really happens.
Not with me.
Not with anybody.