Hey, it's August already.

Been too quiet for awhile.

I don't have any pride left in front of you, might as well show my pathetic side until the end.
I also have no clue in what is supposed to be happening in this post but figured I might just give it a shot. Because what's there to lose anymore, right. When I already lose each one of you.

You might want to likened this post to a drunk call full of drunken rambles by a drunkard loser.

I just want to say,
this is not a matter of choosing who stays and who leaves.
It is a matter of me feeling wanted, cherished and loved.

All I ever ask is of you to return my calls back,
like how you would do when you received a missed call from your boyfriend.
 All I ever want is of you to be happy.

You knw
//do you?

Unnatural Causes by Dr Richard Shepherd [Part 1]

Quick bio of Dr Richard Shepherd i copied from the back cover of the book:

Richard Shepherd was born in West London but grew up in Watford. At the local grammar school he was introduced to a medical textbook smuggled into the classroom by a friend which opened his eyes to the world of crime and murder, setting him on a lifelong quest to understand death in its many forms. He trained as a doctor at St George's Hospital medical school at Hyde Park Corner, qualifying in 1977, and then completed his postgraduate training as a forensic pathologist in 1987. He immediately joined what was then the elite forensic department at Guy's Hospital.

He has been involved nationally and internationally in the forensics investigation of thousands of death from unnatural causes - from local murderers to international disasters - and also the many sudden and unexplained deaths that his investigation showed were from natural causes or due to accidents. His skills and expertise still remain in demand around the world.

I'll just be summarising the big parts/conclusions, in my opinion, of each chapters. I will also be skipping the walk-through of the investigative process detailed in these chapters. 

Chapter One : pages one to three

Richard was experiencing a panic attack as he flew by Hungerford. He was in denial of it but was questioning whether he should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist and whether he wants to discontinue his work.

Chapter Two: pages four - 19

Here we take a peek through Richard's memory - a case that led him to gain recognition as a forensic pathologist. The case was a mass murder that occurred in Hungerford, 1987. Michel Ryan was on a spree, killing 16 people (including his mum as well as himself) and 15 people that survived were injured making it one of UK's biggest massacre. Death came about unexpectedly to these victims, 'a violent ending to [their] peaceful and otherwise uneventful lives.'

Richard's career prior to this case had mostly consist of victims. Rarely did he 'saw perpetrators, and had certainly never seen someone who had caused so much death and injury. Could he, should he, treat Ryan with the same respect he showed his victims?'

We realise now why Hungerford is triggering a panic attack for Richard and it's possibly not just the sheer amount of innocent death. During those times, random act of killing was an unusual and unfamiliar event - the reasoning behind Ryan's act was unfathomable, no clear motive was ever established and the event was surreal. By the end of Ryan's post-mortem, 'everyone in the room looked at him with incomprehension. He looked as vulnerable as any victim of crime, as any of his own victims.' 

In additional to his denial of experiencing a panic attack, near the end of this chapter, he also mentioned that he could not for the longest time acknowledge the shock and sadness the massacre has bought upon him. These behaviour seems to arise due to stereotypical attribute pathologists carry - 'tough-talking alpha males' whom 'would never have shown such a thing, nor allowed themselves to think of it'. Furthermore, 'in order to serve society [pathologists] sometimes have to suspend some aspect of [their] humanity'; and to seek truth, they 'require clinical detachment'.

He also noted that immediate families and patients who gave permission to post-mortem are generous as they are helping "other patients by giving medical staff a superb opportunity to learn and improve."

Chapter three: Pages 20 - 23
In this chapter, although Richard was still experiencing panic attacks, he believes that he has control over it and concluded that didn't need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. He had no good reason to stop practising as a forensic pathologist either.

We can see that anything that reminded Richard of Hungerford and other news of mass murders still triggers his panic attacks. He again considered consoling with a professional, even a priest, 'whose job is to receive weaknesses and offer [people] strength.' And again after calming himself, he deemed it unnecessary. 

In a good spot

'Tis not enough, taste, judgment, learning, join;

In all you speak, let truth and candour shine:

That not alone what to your sense is due,

All may allow; but seek your friendship too.

       Be silent always when you doubt your sense;

And speak, though sure, with seeming diffidence:

Some positive, persisting fops we know,

Who, if once wrong, will needs be always so;

But you, with pleasure own your errors past,

And make each day a critic on the last.

       'Tis not enough, your counsel still be true;

Blunt truths more mischief than nice falsehoods do;

Men must be taught as if you taught them not;

And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Without good breeding, truth is disapprov'd;

That only makes superior sense belov'd.

       Be niggards of advice on no pretence;

For the worst avarice is that of sense.

With mean complacence ne'er betray your trust,

Nor be so civil as to prove unjust.

Fear not the anger of the wise to raise;

Those best can bear reproof, who merit praise.

(Alexander Pope, An Essay of Criticism)

Starting off the post with this poem as it's the intro to the book I'm currently reading and I thought I would share it with you guys.  The name of the book I'm reading now is called Unnatural Causes by Dr Richard Shepherd, he is a forensic pathologist based in UK.

I bought the book a few hours ago for my road trip this weekend (more of that a little later) and the narrative 'tells us the story not only of the bodies and cases that have haunted him most, but also how to live a life steeped in death.' I haven't gone too far into the book but seems like it would be a good read. Might give u guys an update on it later in the future. I'm excited to read it as I've really been interested in this genre for a while now but have refrained myself from buying it because I still have a few books I haven't start reading yet. I said to myself that I won't buy any new books to read until I finished the ones I have. However, after months passed and dust began to collect on those books that I have, I concluded that I should just move on and read something I'm keen on instead. I could revisit my 'old' books another time or even donate it if I have completely lose interest in it. 

I'm currently in a good spot in my life I think, at least for now. I just had a nice catch-up session with a friend of mine today. I've been reminding myself to keep in touch with my friends and family more occasionally because I think I'm in a good mental space and I'm ready to be more sociable. I loveeee being around people. I'm not an extrovert but being with other people, personally, really adds more to my life. I love interacting with people and seeing how they go about in their journey in life. I did take a year or two off from interacting with people, my family included, because I just really needed some time by myself and I'm grateful that I was able to do that. It was quite difficult as I like being around people and at times I want to reach out to people but it didn't seem right at that time, I didn't want them to feel like I'm playing them or be with them when it's most convenient for me and ignore them all other times. At times I felt guilty too, as I felt like I was abandoning others for my own selfishness and making them feel like they had done something wrong when clearly they haven't. But I was quite determined, actually it's more like my head is just a mess and I clearly really need to sort it out. Anyway, I don't want to write too long about this topic along cause I do any to give updates on different aspect of my life as I haven't properly done it with you girls in a while. In conclusions here, I'm slowly rekindling my relationships with my friends and family. 

As I mentioned before, I am going on a trip this weekend to NSW, specifically to visit Linguine's family. I will be travelling by car with his parents and for once I told my parents about out trip, and they approved. In NSW, L's aunt has a beautiful estate where they have a macadamia farm and the family is just such a kind and lovely family. I am very excited to share this experience with my parents. It's not my first time here, I've been there two to three times already tbh, but I can finally share a part of my journey and my relationship with L with them. This is quite an important milestone for our relationship in my opinion. I'll share some picture from the trip with you girls later on. 

As u know I have recently graduated, huge pressure lifted off from my shoulder. I'm currently unemployed and looking for work. Currently waiting for my visa to be approved as well. It has been difficult, mostly cause I'm impatient and I haven't been really active in my job search. But I got into my first interview recently and it for a good position, I'm excited for it. It's actually for the first job I applied to, it's been a month since I applied, so I kinda gave up on it until I received a phone call from them. I did a phone interview, proceeded to an in-person interview and next week I will be my third time interviewing with the company; each stage being interview by a member with more authority than the previous one. I didn't think I was gonna proceed to the third interview because it was for a full-time position and I can only work for a limited amount of time as I'm still on my student visa (internal screeching) but I got through. I am assuming that I'm still competing with candidates that's meets the requirements of what the company needs, so not getting my hopes too high up. It's for a graduate accountant position, it's with an energy company but I will be dealing with the clean energy aspect of the company.

Things that I have been really getting into these days are beekeeping, honey and skincare. Once I stumbled upon honey extractions and beekeeping, there was no going out. I'm totally obsessed with it, so far as to even include it in my interview when prompted about my interests. I also told L that I wanted to have my own small hive when we have a house. While on this topic, I also said I wanted to grow our own mushrooms. I'm kinda in a roll about wanting to produce some of the things I consume because it just seems so fascinating to me personally. In terms of skincare, it really started, I guess, when I watch a lot of Tati Westbrook's videos. I like her make-up style and her subtle approach of maintaining your skin from within. I when I am able to, I would like to try her product for skin, hair and nails - known as Halo Beauty. But what really got me into skincare was Susan Yara's series where she commentated other people's skincare regimen. She would give tips, advice and information about the method people are applying their skincare, the ingredient present in the product people are using and what's best for their skin type. I wanna learn more about the ingredients used in skincare and what are the benefits and drawbacks related to it. 

Lastly, I've noticed our blog becoming more and more rooted in English. I plan to try to incorporate more Malay in my posts in the future and I urge u guys to also write in Malay as well. The reason why I don't do my posts in Malay is because honestly, I don't have the confidence to. My English is not that good, but I'm not use to using Malay anymore and I don't want to sound kekok you know.  It's also one of the reasons why I'm quite timid on going back to Malaysia. It's horrible I know, like hello it's your own mother tongue language kot. I can do conversations and rojak but to work in an environment where I have to converse in professional Malay jargon is quite intimidating for me. 

Anyway, that's all for now. Catch you guys later in the future. 

Cookie 

Here we are

HelloHello

It's been almost a decade since we all first met up. From when we were all thirteen (though one of us was probably 14 already at that time hu hu hu) and until now in our early twenties. How things have change since then and how different it is from what we envisioned. We are miles apart from each other, walking our own path and forming into our own person.

 It's September, it's past the mid-year point and a new year is approaching.

It's interesting on how different we are as an individual - to each our own strengths and shortcoming. We face our own realities where different environment raises different forms of hardship and joy. Waking up each day, conquering our own fears and lifting our own burdens.

We always worry about our actions and the impact it has. Weighing out our options and decisions, trying to figure out whether we made the right choice. I mean it makes sense right, as our actions not only define our character but subconsciously define our worth - to ourselves, to society and to our creator.

But our capabilities vary - one might be more able to give love and show compassion, one has a stronger will and perseverance and others might have more mercy and forgiveness. But even then, each of the factors varies in meaning and have different forms. So how can we determine what we are worth and whether or not our character is limited/inadequate? Did we make the right choice? Is it their fault, or is it mine?

Honestly, who knows. We're human after all. We make mistakes, we lack experience, we're oblivious at times and others just simply in denial and stubborn during other (least for me).

Seven. In terms of general characterisation, we can take the seven deadly sins and heavenly virtues as a basis of looking at a character of a person.

Seven Deadly Sins	Seven Heavenly Virtues
Lust              Excessive sexual appetite	Chastity              Purity
Gluttony      Over-indulgence	Temperance       Self-restraint
Greed           Avarice	Charity              Giving
Sloth             Laziness/idleness	Diligence            Zeal/integrity/labour
Wrath          Anger	Forgiveness       Composure
Envy             Jealousy	Kindness            Admiration
Pride            Vanity	Humility            Humbleness

Where do we fall in the spectrum? Do we need to shift more towards the other side? do we only need to strive towards the end of the heavenly virtues? We, I believe, need to strive to have a little bit of both, some balance to our lives. Being too nice can come at a cost as well. It can intentionally or unintentionally make other act a certain way or even enable them to be bad. Simplest example is that you keep giving money for your friend, friend uses money to buy excessive amount of food, gambling too much or not encouraging them to perform as best they can. Being too humble can, at times, result to lack of acknowledgement in your own self-worth, people might take advantage of you and you could minimise the impact of receiving positive affirmation - the opportunity to feel a sense of belonging, rejecting someone's appreciation or even make the situation awkward.

I really like this video about the Cinderella effect where in this context people "blame the victim of emotional and physical abuse for being unable to escape [their] situation". People might overlook her strong characteristics of perseverance, patience as well as the ability and courage to act where appropriate. I like the video cause it highlights these 'passive' characteristics which at times goes unnoticed and underappreciated. Sometimes our environment requires a different kind of strength to withstand the condition we are face every day.

On a side note, for more religion related content, read the following crossed out sentences. I didn't want to make the post too religious. Hence why I decided to cross it out. The strands of thought came in predominantly when I thought about the concept of lust and chastity. Where... It's not only to serve God and it's not only to delve in earthly pleasures. 

Serve God and enjoy the things God creates, you know. Serving God does not only happen when you do your obligatory deeds and prayers. Smiling to others is serving God, listening to others' misgivings is servings, appreciating his creations is serving, being patient is serving and payer well, it happens when u pray; when u communicate with God. 

One thing that I appreciate growing up watching Madeline (and generally other Christian entertainment) is when they pray before eating. To give a small thanks for what that have. It's very simple and in actuality, we can do it whenever. As simple as saying Alhamdulillah but also more specific. Like what are you thankful for? At least for me, when I determine what is it that I am thankful for, I am more thankful, I feel more blessed. There is just a feeling I can't translate into words. Yes, at times I don't know what I'm thankful for and that's okay. Be thankful you are there, be thankful to feel thankful. Some people are in such a rut that they don't have the opportunity to feel thankful. Sudden jump back to balance in 3, 2, 1 ...

So yeah being balance is where we should be at. Buddhism/Hinduism talks about chakras. I like the concept and ideas behind it very much - based to my understanding that is. I like the concept of facing the things you don't want to face and also the concept of learning to let go and acceptance. It may also give us a first few steps on how to go forward/come closer to attributes we want to achieve. This video of Avatar can give you a snapshot of what's happening.

Chakras deals with	Blocked/hindered by
Security, survival	Fear
Pleasure, intimacy, relationship	Guilt
Willpower, drive, purpose, wisdom	Shame, letdowns, disappointment
Love, connection, compassion, healing	Grief, sadness, loss
Truth, openness, communication	Lies, denials, lies
Insight, intuition, awareness	Illusion
Spirituality	Earthly attachment

Human is really complex being. We are all different and we are all giving our best. we make mistakes, yes, but it only makes us wiser if we use the experience and knowledge we receive from it wisely. I love that we are all different, because in a way, maybe we can all lean on each other, learn from each other. Difference can be hard to overcome but being different can make us way stronger, especially when we have overcome our differences and learn to accept and understand each other.

Just as I did with the post here, and just as General Iroh from Avatar said, "It is important to draw wisdom from different places. If you take it from only one place it becomes rigid and stale." And "while it's best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you help you." "The horizon may look far but keep an open mind and an open heart, you will find your destiny someday when the time is right."

/////////Bonus songggg ////////////

I don't know whether this is what I intended for this post, and whether it even had any intention from the beginning. But this is what I have for you all and this is very roughly what was on my mind around August (yes it's been that long I know, love you guys, thanks for your patience). Posted it late cause it was quite hard to translate what I had in my mind and what I felt in my heart but this is what I've got so far and I think I have delayed this post well over past it's due. It's time.

Cookie

James TW: When You Love Someone

Come home early after class
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard
I've been called up by a teacher
She says she can't even reach you 'cause you're so far
You've been talking with your fist
We didn't raise you up like this, now did we
There have been changes in this house
Things that you don't know about in this family

It don't make sense, but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
The way things go
Son you should know

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone

There ain't no one here to blame
Nothing's going to change with your old friends
Your room will stay the same
'Cause you'll only be away on the weekends

It don't make sense but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
It don't add up
We'll always love you no matter what

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone
When you love someone

Come home early after class
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard
And if we're crying on the couch
Don't let it freak you out
This has been so hard

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes the best intentions just ain't enough
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone
When you love someone
When you love someone
When you love someone

jumbles and shambles

There are so many things I want to say. To share. To voice out.
But it's all stuck at my throat.

There are so many things I see, I experience.
I'd leap to my feet, grabbed my phone but as I type,
I stopped.

I'm not sure how you would react.
How I should react after.
So many possibilities, so many outcome.

But the worst case stuck with us
and I pressed delete.

I say I trust you but why can't I press send?

You are whom I trust most
but you are also the person that cares about me most.

The possibility of losing a place where where I could run to,
terrifies me.
But then why am I the one running away?

Layer by layer,
I wrap myself with bubble wrap
to protect me yet at the same time,
I'm suffocating myself

I was walking one day
and when I finally stopped and look around,
and would I ask myself,
Where am I? How did I get here?
but the only answer I heard
was just the echoes in my head.

cookie

Something over and beyond

How willing are you to hand another person something you regard as important?
How much trust does one need to be able to hold such things?

Buried behind layers of broken pieces, trying to protect what's left
Something so fragile that one might assume that, just by touching, it could possibly break it

cookie

Sixx:A.M. Life is beautiful

There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home...

You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't

I've done things that you won't 

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

When you lost it all, that's when u finally realise: that life... is beautiful

Through the lowest part of my life, this song had motivate me to drag myself to keep going forward. I don't know how much it could help you guys but I just thought of sharing it with you. Even now, when I feel like I really can't go on anymore, I listen to this song. Seems taboo, I know, but it works for me. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

Through the rough times, remember that Allah will never give His servant something he cannot bear. If He believes that you could get through this, have a little faith and trust yourself to keep moving forward. He is fair. Remember to be grateful, remember to be compassionate, remember to be patient. Good will come to those who wait (teehee Tangled ref. which btw was quoted from Violet Fane, 1892).

The most important thing to remember is that, in hardships, there is no one in this whole universe that could change the circumstance except you, yourself. People around you could only guide, lead and support but the changes; reaching out, crawling/running to the better place, understanding yourself, forgiving yourself, letting yourself to heal, these things you have to do it. I won't lie. While your trying to fix your self, there are people who will beat your already broken self down.There will be times where when you need people the most but they weren't there. It's okay. That's life. Don't give up on them, they might be the only one that stays. You will get scratched and bruised but at the end, after all the suffocation, you will finally be able to breath a new life. It's won't be dark there anymore. It won't be cold. Although, like everything else in life, this process will have a side effect. You will be left with scars and wounds that would never truly be gone. Your mind thinks in different ways. You learn to control yourself but you also lose some of yourself. You are no longer the broken one, you are a survivor.

Remember the pain that you've gone through and be kind, be loving; because we never know what sort of life the person walking pass by you had been through.

Cookie

These are some of my thoughts..

1. What am I trying to say here?

2. I could be dead right now.

3. Are you guys okay?

4. I should be studying.

5. I don't think we could survive in the real world.

6. I regret so much.

7. I figured out my favorite color after 19 years of living.

8. People around me are growing up in all the wrong ways.

9. Do I really want it back?

10. I won't always be lonely, but I will always be alone. 

11. I won't always be alone, but I will always be lonely.

12. I have so much love to give.

13. Don't.

14. Nobody will know what really happened.

15. I wonder how old that photo is.

16. I just bought a skateboard.

17. I can never go back to being normal.

18. I am no less than evil.

19. I crave salvation but I refuse to take it, every single time.

20. I bathe myself in lust to keep myself from grabbing the knife.

21. I can't love.

22. I have kittens running around outside my house.

23. I need to fix my posture.

24. How many more years?

25. They still haven't realized how messed up things are.

26. Non of my friends know how serious things are.

27. No fear of death will be the death of me.

28. I don't look at the sky that much anymore even though I want to.

29. My sister gave me a giraffe key chain.

30. Tears are a luxury.

31. I am always waiting for things to fall apart. 

32. My teeth.

33. I want money.

34. I'm more free.

35. I'm more materialistic.

36. Will my past effort help me when I need it?

37. I'm counting down the days to say bye.

38. Those important to me will never know the true extent of my love for them.

39. I want to pierce my cartilage.

40. I'm wasting my days.

41. I'm sad that nobody will know what I actually am.

42. The twins make me happy.

43. How can I travel further?

44. I will burn in hell.

45. I am afraid.

46. Blackbear is really good.

47. People will die and I will regret everything.

48. Forever goes a long way.

49. Fuck.

50. I don't know who I am anymore.

51. I am completely happy :)

H State

It might be the hormone talking

but who would've passed the chance on meeting a nice guy, right?




It's funny how you've mentioned the word "sex drive".
To me, that is the key of relationship. Depends on how you control it though. To Malays, the word is a bit sensitive as it is a taboo issue among us that is never actually being discussed openly.

But yes, to be able to love someone, you must've felt it along the way. And how nice it must've been to know that the feeling is mutually shared.

How nice it must've been to be able to cuddle with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to laugh with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to play house with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to kiss with someone who loves you,

How nice it must've been to be able to be doing it passionately, with someone who loves you.

Yes, there's the prospect of you and him falling out,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him fighting over nothing- or everything,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him ended-up divorcing,

But wouldn't it all be worth it in the end?
To be able to experience it, at least to know what and how it feels like- rather than being kept in the dark for years longing for it?

At least you've known.




But even I, am writing this with a heavy heart.

Is it all worth it?
Lord knows I know it's not. Explains my years of being alone.
I'm sorry if it's the same with you too.

Just know that
it's okay to be afraid.

It's okay to not be brave
sometimes you just have to take the plunge- and jump.

Love,

Book

Through the glass heart

Hah. Had a conversation with a friend the other day, about relationships and the importance of sex (I guess u can call it that lol) and this is basically how it went down:

Disclaimer: This is only my part of the conversation.

"Idk. I just wanna love someone till it hurts but not in a way it makes me sad or something like that. It hurts cause I love that person so much I don't want to lose him. It hurts cause I care so much about him and the thought of him not being by my side would never cross my mind. And if that person is willing to let someone go cause their sex drive is not the same, then he doesn't love her as much as he thought. You could communicate. There must be a reason why a person doesn't want it right? Timing? Practise? If she loves him so much, she would do it. They would find time. And if they do really love each other, they would have that lust for each other anyway. Idk, for him to let her go because of that, for me, is very sad. What happen to till death do us part and in sickness or in health? Empty vows? Idk. People fall out of love. I know, I understand. But when they are in love, I wished that they loved each other so much that nothing can get though."

"If we love each other so much, just get married. Simple. He can do what ever he wants. Usually people think like oh marriage, gonna have kids and stuff but that all can wait till they are stable enough. I just don't understand why on earth would a guy not marry the girl he think is The One."

"But then again, people say it's just sex right."

"if they do love each other they should and will have that lust for each other. So I would agree on your first statement [which is that if people don't lust for each other before marriage, then it would be the same after], but I guess, then, it's more about control and patience. I have loved a guy for 7 years. So I know how frustrating it is to want more. But I think it makes the sex more special you know. It's like the feeling when they say their vows or like the first time they hold their baby and feel like they could see the whole world in that baby. So they have to build a relationship that goes in that direction. Not like haha I just want someone to care for me but to love some so passionately. He could kiss me, hold me and stuff like that, I wouldn't mind. I think at that point, they should have already know if this person is the one or not. They have been through so much, they must of know what they want. So then just put a ring on it. As for the girl, she can't be a ***** about it too though. Like leading people around and in the end just let go. Plus, what would happen if i got into an accident and sex was out of the option? I gave him something more precious to me than my v card. I gave him my heart and cause I couldn't have sex with him, he just decides to shove it back to me and leaves. Just cause he 'can't take it anymore'. **** him man."

"Plus, okay probably it's just me but I am sorta kinda possessive but not in a way I'll be crazy jealous or anything. Sure probably pout here and there but cause I know he loves me, I wouldn't mind so much."

So yeah, learnt so much about myself that day. I don't know. I guess am the type of person who bundle up sex, love, trust and marriage together. And I guess another question I should ask when we had the conversation is "why would u want to have the sex in the first place?" because for me, I want to have it exclusively for my forever and always. It would be a sign that I gave you everything. No more secrets, No more holding back, No more waiting. I entrust you with my heart and happiness. You would be my warmth and I would be yours. but then again,

"maybe I am living in a fantasy world hahahahaha".

Cookie

Criss Crossing between grids

Take a deep breath. Inhale.

Then let everything go. Exhale.

Again. Inhale. Exhale.

In and out.

Everything's alright. 

There's nothing here.

I repeat the words again and again like a broken record. I wait patiently for the ceiling lights to slowly break through the gaps between my eyelids, like always, but today there is none. My mind starts to clear and my sense regains consciousness. It's dark outside, no stars in sight. Outside? 

I recall sitting at my table after a call. My heart felt heavy then as I realised the things I had missed while I was here. The air was dense and I just needed some fresh air, I needed to walk.

I glance to my sides and notice the empty streets. A faint breeze pass by and taking some of the heaviness away. I take another breath and let the warm air slip from my mouth. It's little lighter now, I notice, and began to pace forward; one step at a time. 

My head is buzzing with noise but I could not register the reason behind it. What are they saying? Everything is all jumbled up. The cacophonous of voices keeps on growing and they are closing in on me. I close my eyes, breathe in and change the wavelength. Tuning the voice as white noises scattering behind the back of my mind. This is the last time, I hoped.

I'll be the perfect daughter. The perfect student, perfect worker, prefect wife and perfect mum. As perfect as I could be but, just this time, let me fall apart, let me be reckless, let me be me. 

Cookie

Fire.

It was for a class homework when I was still in KTJ.

Cambridge IGCSE First Language English: May/June 2010

Write a story where fire is the central theme.

Glowing in the darkened room, it steals my attention by its enchanting beauty. Streaming up from the pile of wood, a magnificent shade of orange and overwhelming bright red flow out. Fire; one of the most important elements that keeps balance of the world. Currently in the summer’s heat, my people are celebrating the fire festival. I look at the lantern and remember that day.

Two days ago, the beginning of the fire festival, I was woken up by my little brother hyperly jumping on my bed. He was the only family I had since mom and dad died. After taking a long refreshing shower, I dressed in the traditional fire festival outfit and since fire is usually in the hue of red to orange, it’s common to see passers-by proudly walking with these shades of colours. This year I was having fun with my costume therefore I made a decision to paint my face with white acting as a base and strokes of red to symbolise fire.

In the afternoon, I brought my little brother, Marco, to witness his first fire festival. It would be quite dangerous to bring little toddlers into the fire festival due to the omnipresence of fire. The first thing I did was to buy two exotic lanterns for each of us as it was also a tradition of our tribe. Then Marco and I wondered throughout the stalls that were set-up a day before the celebration started. The stalls were selling many things: various kinds of mouth-watering foods, masks, traditional ornaments that related to fire and the most important, fireworks and firecrackers.

Time flied when you enjoyed yourself and without us realising, the gigantic red ball of fire, the sun, had sunk in the far away horizon. Illuminating the area, the lanterns glowed beautifully in the night with the moon and scattered stars. The main event was about to start. Suddenly, a flash mob of dancers started dancing the fire dance in the middle of the pathway and a crowd started to form.

With dancers the dancers as a distraction, a group of people came from the side and started doing tricks with fire. Hence, the parade of the glorious fire began. The parade acted as a tour guide and led us to our final destination. Marco was bubbling with laughter and smiles. It warmed my heart. Without knowing what was instore for me in the future, I, too, unconsciously smile .When we reach our final destination, Marco was amazed by the colossal bonfire built on the golden grain of sand.

In the summer’s night breeze, I let Marco played with friends when he met them on the beach. I sat on a log next to the bonfire and observed the scenery around me. A few girls sat with me and I got carried away. Marco was playing near the sea and when I got distracted, the mischievous sea swallowed my brother whole. Luckily, using my ninja reflexes, I get there just in time to save my one and only brother. I scolded him for not being careful and apologised for my carelessness.

Abruptly the bonfire exploded, continued with peoples’ screams. A wave of panic was created and we tried to get to safety but there were so many people that were pushing and pulling. Our knotted hands were untied and we were pushed away from each other by the wave. I a distance, I saw my brother fell to the ground and left behind. I tried to fight the wave but it was too late. The burning wooden billboard fell on top of my beloved brother.

Flashes of my brother’s smile and laughter come to mind while tears slid down my face. I tried to go to him but the civilian had a tight grip on my hand and telling me it’s useless to go there. That was the last time I saw my brother and now, as I’m sitting in front of my fireplace, I still think about my brother.

Today is another lonesome day with the absence of Marco. I stand and put out the fire. “Good night, Marco.” I say and go off to sleep.

Cookie

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Puddin'

                                 


So...
Suicide Squad. The movie that's blowing up in theaters right now, yes that one. Taking a break from heavy emotional ranting, I feel like I shall discuss about my new found interest tonight. That okay?

Okay.

Everybody knows about superhero movies, right? Batman, Superman, Spiderman, to name a few. And then this Marvel Superhero craze suddenly sweeps the whole world by its feet, and you suddenly see superheroes everywhere, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, Ironman, it has been movie after movie after movie of the same bunch of heroes with almost the same back story and plot, the same conflict, the same CGI-heavy-super-predictable fight choreography... I mean no offense but I have personally never been a fan of The Avengers or anything of the sort.

But then words got out about Suicide Squad, and I went okay, yet another life-action film of a comic book story (severe eye-rolling). But then everybody got so hyped up about it, especially about Harley and Joker and there were mentions of unpleasantness going on regarding their romanticized abusive relationship and  my ears shot straight up.

What was all this about abuse? And Stockholm Syndrome? And all these other deep emotional psychological argument ... about a DC comic story? Now THIS is worth my attention.

So I did what I had to do which was Google the heck outta this whole thing and lemme tell you, I. WAS. HOOKED.

I've never been so excited about cartoon characters as much as I am right now. DC comics, props to you. Safe to say that I discovered a different part about myself because of this. Suicide Squad, or their original name Task Force X, and more particularly Harley Quinn and The Joker, have made me realize why I've never cared about all those other superheroes as much. Because they're basic. They are black and white. They are cliche. And I'm sick of it. They're the good guys, always fighting for one purpose; to save the world. And almost all of em have like some sort of betrayal that happened to them that made them do what they do. We get it, you wanna avenge the death of Uncle Ben. You wanna do good even when the US government betrayed you. You have a responsibility to protect us from Loki. (more severe eye-rolling).

But with the villains, especially everyone's favorite pair, Harley and Joker, they all deal with very different and very personal issues. Issues that are not so black and white. Issues that really make you
think and consider. They make me wanna put myself in their shoes and figure out why they are that way. They make you feel for them, because they have depth. Because they feel real. The conflicts that they face are far from superficial and have way more complexities.

And for some reason, (dunno if this is normal or i'm just weird) but personally, I find them very relevant. On a very, very personal level. Like I feel it deep in the pit of my gut. And the core of my brain. (tell me if i'm weird) Their relationship is almost like the analogy to my my relationship with myself. And all this, from comic characters? Unexpected indeed.

So yeah, now I am crazy for the comics, and the "bad guys" and I am looking forward to seeing Joker and Harley on the big screens again. If any of you have the same interest in them, feel free to discuss.I am more than happy to engage.

Okay that's all I guess. Basically this post was just a wordy movie hype if anything. Haha..

Okay, bye. Thanks for reading.

Split Second

SECRETS

We all have them.
Let me tell you one of mine.

Sometimes. or rather, most of the time now, I look at the three of you and I feel afraid.
Among all my friends and acquaintances, I very much consider you guys as the closest few.

I get scared of how much you don't know about me.

Sure, we all have parts that are hidden away from certain people. My peers know one side of me, my teachers know one side of me, my parents know one side of me, and you guys, well, you know a few parts of me.

But I worry about the parts that nobody but God knows about.

There is so much that nobody knows about me, at times it feels too much that it suffocates me. Both the bad ones and the good ones, remaining in a captivity of silence.

What if something happens to me, and I leave this world along with all those things? Nobody would ever know, the extra good and the extra bad. Buried along with me.

I wonder, if that happens, or when, would it make a difference if I have told everyone? Someone? About all those things?

I am not writing this to start something. To make people ask me what. No, not at all.
I am writing this, because I know myself well enough to know that I could never open those extra boxes. And I know they will be buried along with me later on.

I am writing this, in the hopes that later, if my parents, my family or anyone who knows me for that matter, decides to suddenly wonder about me...
Then please know that nobody ever really did know me. And that I am so, so much more than what I ever was in the time that I was still there. I am sorry for everything. I am beyond sorry.

Please know that I had the best intentions. And I make mistakes. And I am not well skilled at communicating. And above all that I tried. So hard.

So yes, I am complicated. I am intoxicated. I am aimless and selfish and egoistic.
And perhaps all those extra boxes won't ever be completely spilled over.
And maybe I'm just not meant to be more than what you see.



I have a whole world inside me.
Maybe it'll make you proud, or the opposite. I don't know.
Either way..
I am sorry. to you and to myself, that I couldn't share it with you.
I wish I could.
I wish I could let myself be known wholly. But then again, that never really happens.
Not with me.
Not with anybody.

Thoughts..

Alone.

We've all been that before. We've all felt that before. Many times. Whether it's good or bad is entirely what you make of it. Being alone can make you feel better or it can make you feel worse. But I didn't know that it could make me feel nothing. 

It was almost like it was just... a fact. I am alone. I don't feel bad about it but I don't feel good about it either. It dawned upon me like a slow realisation, that comes along with age. The older I get, the more I see behind the curtains. And the more I understand, that people are people. That my friends are people. That my family are people. Individuals, with their own complexities, their own different rationales, their own logic and feelings and connection levels. 

Sometimes it still catches me by surprise, how lost I get in their roles.

Why are you being this way? I thought you were my friend. How could you do this? I thought you were my parents. 

How, why, the questions, the confusion, the betrayal, it can all be made into sense by one answer.

They are all real people. People that can change their minds. People that need convincing. People that need to be impressed. People that can be disappointed. 

And I realised that effort is required within these relationships. But I am scared to admit that I was disappointed. And that I got disheartened. And that I stopped giving a fuck. Because I am weak and dependant, and now I can't be anymore. 

I don't know what to do, or where to go.

But I know that I am alone. And perhaps, it's better that way. 

It has been a saddening day for the rose. The day has finally come, and sadly it didn't get picked by its master. The rose was sure of itself- that the master will definitely handpicked it first, but the reality sets in. The rose felt the deep cut of its own thorn when its being left-out in the middle, all alone.
 The rose felt as if it was the punishment of being too self-absorbed with its position- the rose was so proud of its position, the Sun become its best friend and the Wind was its companion, and now it looks like it will always be that way. The master must've felt the same way too.

The rose thought that its colour was the reddest of  all, the fast-bloomer compared to the others, but the rose forget to see its reflection on the puddle the Rain left;
the rose is only a weed among the sunflowers. 
The colour contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's eyes. 
The texture contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's hands.

And so the rose realized. And it takes so much of a willpower for it not to wilt, as the rose believes,  that it's enough for the rose to be the only to believe.
It is enough. It's more than enough.

And so the rose continued to blossom. It is a promise the rose intend to keep. To no one-but itself.

The Evening Worth Remembering

Alhamdulillah, I've just completed my Intro to Law subject's presentation last night. I had the chance to work with a great team who put in the best effort so all in all, everything ran smoothly.

Just wanted to recap on some of the things so I won't completely forget about it. Which I'm starting to miss it already.

My team has 5 members; including me. 2 guys named Ali and Afiq, both have silent humour, before knowing them I had no idea of their lame jokes because they seem reserved yet they're both hardworking alhamdulillah. The other 2 girls named Amyra and Hafizah are both great too, they're super sweet, a total opposite of me. Yet we can all balance each other out with our tolerance and consideration.

I am super blessed to be granted a chance to have these people who are reliable and trustworthy with the amount of task given to them. Regardless how crazy or weird the ideas that I suggested to them (because apparently I was the leader lol) they will try to reason it out first rather than rejecting it cold turkey. And that what makes me miss them the most. To think that us being a team was simply because of the random assortments from our lecturer; Miss Adibah.

So last evening marks the end of our group project for ITL's class, the only assessments left would be a quiz and the final exam.

We were lucky to get to choose the Court for Children as our topic. Quite simple, not really much hassle unlike the other courts, most probably because the scope of the cases they cater to which only relating to children. Lol. So yeah we get to present our topic in childlike manner, we used Dora the Explorer's theme song as our opening, me as the host of the episode and the others as my 'so-called' super intelligent friends who enlightened me on the CFC lolz. The audience was so sporting, they clapped and laughed all the way. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

The moment our presentation ended, Miss raised her hand and I started to feel nervous waiting for her question, turned out all she wanted to ask was

"so what is the next episode is going to talk about?"

and the whole class laughed upon hearing my answer.

"oh yes I forgot to tell all of you that this is actually my last episode. I won't be hosting the show anymore, sad I know."

Hahahahha. Even I tried my best not to laugh during my presentation. Mind you, I was shaking so badly. In the middle of trying to shush them down because of their uncontrollable laughter during the explanation, even I can't control my laugh either. Kelakar kan? Lol

But yes all of this won't work if I didn't get the full support from my team members. Alhamdulillah. Super blessed indeed. Whatever marks we'll get later on, we've done our best.







Moments like these makes me think of you guys. I wish you were here :)

Love, Book