Through the glass heart

Hah. Had a conversation with a friend the other day, about relationships and the importance of sex (I guess u can call it that lol) and this is basically how it went down:

Disclaimer: This is only my part of the conversation.

"Idk. I just wanna love someone till it hurts but not in a way it makes me sad or something like that. It hurts cause I love that person so much I don't want to lose him. It hurts cause I care so much about him and the thought of him not being by my side would never cross my mind. And if that person is willing to let someone go cause their sex drive is not the same, then he doesn't love her as much as he thought. You could communicate. There must be a reason why a person doesn't want it right? Timing? Practise? If she loves him so much, she would do it. They would find time. And if they do really love each other, they would have that lust for each other anyway. Idk, for him to let her go because of that, for me, is very sad. What happen to till death do us part and in sickness or in health? Empty vows? Idk. People fall out of love. I know, I understand. But when they are in love, I wished that they loved each other so much that nothing can get though."

"If we love each other so much, just get married. Simple. He can do what ever he wants. Usually people think like oh marriage, gonna have kids and stuff but that all can wait till they are stable enough. I just don't understand why on earth would a guy not marry the girl he think is The One."

"But then again, people say it's just sex right."

"if they do love each other they should and will have that lust for each other. So I would agree on your first statement [which is that if people don't lust for each other before marriage, then it would be the same after], but I guess, then, it's more about control and patience. I have loved a guy for 7 years. So I know how frustrating it is to want more. But I think it makes the sex more special you know. It's like the feeling when they say their vows or like the first time they hold their baby and feel like they could see the whole world in that baby. So they have to build a relationship that goes in that direction. Not like haha I just want someone to care for me but to love some so passionately. He could kiss me, hold me and stuff like that, I wouldn't mind. I think at that point, they should have already know if this person is the one or not. They have been through so much, they must of know what they want. So then just put a ring on it. As for the girl, she can't be a ***** about it too though. Like leading people around and in the end just let go. Plus, what would happen if i got into an accident and sex was out of the option? I gave him something more precious to me than my v card. I gave him my heart and cause I couldn't have sex with him, he just decides to shove it back to me and leaves. Just cause he 'can't take it anymore'. **** him man."

"Plus, okay probably it's just me but I am sorta kinda possessive but not in a way I'll be crazy jealous or anything. Sure probably pout here and there but cause I know he loves me, I wouldn't mind so much."

So yeah, learnt so much about myself that day. I don't know. I guess am the type of person who bundle up sex, love, trust and marriage together. And I guess another question I should ask when we had the conversation is "why would u want to have the sex in the first place?" because for me, I want to have it exclusively for my forever and always. It would be a sign that I gave you everything. No more secrets, No more holding back, No more waiting. I entrust you with my heart and happiness. You would be my warmth and I would be yours. but then again,

"maybe I am living in a fantasy world hahahahaha".

Cookie

Criss Crossing between grids

Take a deep breath. Inhale.

Then let everything go. Exhale.

Again. Inhale. Exhale.

In and out.

Everything's alright. 

There's nothing here.

I repeat the words again and again like a broken record. I wait patiently for the ceiling lights to slowly break through the gaps between my eyelids, like always, but today there is none. My mind starts to clear and my sense regains consciousness. It's dark outside, no stars in sight. Outside? 

I recall sitting at my table after a call. My heart felt heavy then as I realised the things I had missed while I was here. The air was dense and I just needed some fresh air, I needed to walk.

I glance to my sides and notice the empty streets. A faint breeze pass by and taking some of the heaviness away. I take another breath and let the warm air slip from my mouth. It's little lighter now, I notice, and began to pace forward; one step at a time. 

My head is buzzing with noise but I could not register the reason behind it. What are they saying? Everything is all jumbled up. The cacophonous of voices keeps on growing and they are closing in on me. I close my eyes, breathe in and change the wavelength. Tuning the voice as white noises scattering behind the back of my mind. This is the last time, I hoped.

I'll be the perfect daughter. The perfect student, perfect worker, prefect wife and perfect mum. As perfect as I could be but, just this time, let me fall apart, let me be reckless, let me be me. 

Cookie

Fire.

It was for a class homework when I was still in KTJ.

Cambridge IGCSE First Language English: May/June 2010

Write a story where fire is the central theme.

Glowing in the darkened room, it steals my attention by its enchanting beauty. Streaming up from the pile of wood, a magnificent shade of orange and overwhelming bright red flow out. Fire; one of the most important elements that keeps balance of the world. Currently in the summer’s heat, my people are celebrating the fire festival. I look at the lantern and remember that day.

Two days ago, the beginning of the fire festival, I was woken up by my little brother hyperly jumping on my bed. He was the only family I had since mom and dad died. After taking a long refreshing shower, I dressed in the traditional fire festival outfit and since fire is usually in the hue of red to orange, it’s common to see passers-by proudly walking with these shades of colours. This year I was having fun with my costume therefore I made a decision to paint my face with white acting as a base and strokes of red to symbolise fire.

In the afternoon, I brought my little brother, Marco, to witness his first fire festival. It would be quite dangerous to bring little toddlers into the fire festival due to the omnipresence of fire. The first thing I did was to buy two exotic lanterns for each of us as it was also a tradition of our tribe. Then Marco and I wondered throughout the stalls that were set-up a day before the celebration started. The stalls were selling many things: various kinds of mouth-watering foods, masks, traditional ornaments that related to fire and the most important, fireworks and firecrackers.

Time flied when you enjoyed yourself and without us realising, the gigantic red ball of fire, the sun, had sunk in the far away horizon. Illuminating the area, the lanterns glowed beautifully in the night with the moon and scattered stars. The main event was about to start. Suddenly, a flash mob of dancers started dancing the fire dance in the middle of the pathway and a crowd started to form.

With dancers the dancers as a distraction, a group of people came from the side and started doing tricks with fire. Hence, the parade of the glorious fire began. The parade acted as a tour guide and led us to our final destination. Marco was bubbling with laughter and smiles. It warmed my heart. Without knowing what was instore for me in the future, I, too, unconsciously smile .When we reach our final destination, Marco was amazed by the colossal bonfire built on the golden grain of sand.

In the summer’s night breeze, I let Marco played with friends when he met them on the beach. I sat on a log next to the bonfire and observed the scenery around me. A few girls sat with me and I got carried away. Marco was playing near the sea and when I got distracted, the mischievous sea swallowed my brother whole. Luckily, using my ninja reflexes, I get there just in time to save my one and only brother. I scolded him for not being careful and apologised for my carelessness.

Abruptly the bonfire exploded, continued with peoples’ screams. A wave of panic was created and we tried to get to safety but there were so many people that were pushing and pulling. Our knotted hands were untied and we were pushed away from each other by the wave. I a distance, I saw my brother fell to the ground and left behind. I tried to fight the wave but it was too late. The burning wooden billboard fell on top of my beloved brother.

Flashes of my brother’s smile and laughter come to mind while tears slid down my face. I tried to go to him but the civilian had a tight grip on my hand and telling me it’s useless to go there. That was the last time I saw my brother and now, as I’m sitting in front of my fireplace, I still think about my brother.

Today is another lonesome day with the absence of Marco. I stand and put out the fire. “Good night, Marco.” I say and go off to sleep.

Cookie

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Puddin'

                                 


So...
Suicide Squad. The movie that's blowing up in theaters right now, yes that one. Taking a break from heavy emotional ranting, I feel like I shall discuss about my new found interest tonight. That okay?

Okay.

Everybody knows about superhero movies, right? Batman, Superman, Spiderman, to name a few. And then this Marvel Superhero craze suddenly sweeps the whole world by its feet, and you suddenly see superheroes everywhere, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, Ironman, it has been movie after movie after movie of the same bunch of heroes with almost the same back story and plot, the same conflict, the same CGI-heavy-super-predictable fight choreography... I mean no offense but I have personally never been a fan of The Avengers or anything of the sort.

But then words got out about Suicide Squad, and I went okay, yet another life-action film of a comic book story (severe eye-rolling). But then everybody got so hyped up about it, especially about Harley and Joker and there were mentions of unpleasantness going on regarding their romanticized abusive relationship and  my ears shot straight up.

What was all this about abuse? And Stockholm Syndrome? And all these other deep emotional psychological argument ... about a DC comic story? Now THIS is worth my attention.

So I did what I had to do which was Google the heck outta this whole thing and lemme tell you, I. WAS. HOOKED.

I've never been so excited about cartoon characters as much as I am right now. DC comics, props to you. Safe to say that I discovered a different part about myself because of this. Suicide Squad, or their original name Task Force X, and more particularly Harley Quinn and The Joker, have made me realize why I've never cared about all those other superheroes as much. Because they're basic. They are black and white. They are cliche. And I'm sick of it. They're the good guys, always fighting for one purpose; to save the world. And almost all of em have like some sort of betrayal that happened to them that made them do what they do. We get it, you wanna avenge the death of Uncle Ben. You wanna do good even when the US government betrayed you. You have a responsibility to protect us from Loki. (more severe eye-rolling).

But with the villains, especially everyone's favorite pair, Harley and Joker, they all deal with very different and very personal issues. Issues that are not so black and white. Issues that really make you
think and consider. They make me wanna put myself in their shoes and figure out why they are that way. They make you feel for them, because they have depth. Because they feel real. The conflicts that they face are far from superficial and have way more complexities.

And for some reason, (dunno if this is normal or i'm just weird) but personally, I find them very relevant. On a very, very personal level. Like I feel it deep in the pit of my gut. And the core of my brain. (tell me if i'm weird) Their relationship is almost like the analogy to my my relationship with myself. And all this, from comic characters? Unexpected indeed.

So yeah, now I am crazy for the comics, and the "bad guys" and I am looking forward to seeing Joker and Harley on the big screens again. If any of you have the same interest in them, feel free to discuss.I am more than happy to engage.

Okay that's all I guess. Basically this post was just a wordy movie hype if anything. Haha..

Okay, bye. Thanks for reading.

Split Second

SECRETS

We all have them.
Let me tell you one of mine.

Sometimes. or rather, most of the time now, I look at the three of you and I feel afraid.
Among all my friends and acquaintances, I very much consider you guys as the closest few.

I get scared of how much you don't know about me.

Sure, we all have parts that are hidden away from certain people. My peers know one side of me, my teachers know one side of me, my parents know one side of me, and you guys, well, you know a few parts of me.

But I worry about the parts that nobody but God knows about.

There is so much that nobody knows about me, at times it feels too much that it suffocates me. Both the bad ones and the good ones, remaining in a captivity of silence.

What if something happens to me, and I leave this world along with all those things? Nobody would ever know, the extra good and the extra bad. Buried along with me.

I wonder, if that happens, or when, would it make a difference if I have told everyone? Someone? About all those things?

I am not writing this to start something. To make people ask me what. No, not at all.
I am writing this, because I know myself well enough to know that I could never open those extra boxes. And I know they will be buried along with me later on.

I am writing this, in the hopes that later, if my parents, my family or anyone who knows me for that matter, decides to suddenly wonder about me...
Then please know that nobody ever really did know me. And that I am so, so much more than what I ever was in the time that I was still there. I am sorry for everything. I am beyond sorry.

Please know that I had the best intentions. And I make mistakes. And I am not well skilled at communicating. And above all that I tried. So hard.

So yes, I am complicated. I am intoxicated. I am aimless and selfish and egoistic.
And perhaps all those extra boxes won't ever be completely spilled over.
And maybe I'm just not meant to be more than what you see.



I have a whole world inside me.
Maybe it'll make you proud, or the opposite. I don't know.
Either way..
I am sorry. to you and to myself, that I couldn't share it with you.
I wish I could.
I wish I could let myself be known wholly. But then again, that never really happens.
Not with me.
Not with anybody.

Thoughts..

Alone.

We've all been that before. We've all felt that before. Many times. Whether it's good or bad is entirely what you make of it. Being alone can make you feel better or it can make you feel worse. But I didn't know that it could make me feel nothing. 

It was almost like it was just... a fact. I am alone. I don't feel bad about it but I don't feel good about it either. It dawned upon me like a slow realisation, that comes along with age. The older I get, the more I see behind the curtains. And the more I understand, that people are people. That my friends are people. That my family are people. Individuals, with their own complexities, their own different rationales, their own logic and feelings and connection levels. 

Sometimes it still catches me by surprise, how lost I get in their roles.

Why are you being this way? I thought you were my friend. How could you do this? I thought you were my parents. 

How, why, the questions, the confusion, the betrayal, it can all be made into sense by one answer.

They are all real people. People that can change their minds. People that need convincing. People that need to be impressed. People that can be disappointed. 

And I realised that effort is required within these relationships. But I am scared to admit that I was disappointed. And that I got disheartened. And that I stopped giving a fuck. Because I am weak and dependant, and now I can't be anymore. 

I don't know what to do, or where to go.

But I know that I am alone. And perhaps, it's better that way.