It has been a saddening day for the rose. The day has finally come, and sadly it didn't get picked by its master. The rose was sure of itself- that the master will definitely handpicked it first, but the reality sets in. The rose felt the deep cut of its own thorn when its being left-out in the middle, all alone.
 The rose felt as if it was the punishment of being too self-absorbed with its position- the rose was so proud of its position, the Sun become its best friend and the Wind was its companion, and now it looks like it will always be that way. The master must've felt the same way too.

The rose thought that its colour was the reddest of  all, the fast-bloomer compared to the others, but the rose forget to see its reflection on the puddle the Rain left;
the rose is only a weed among the sunflowers. 
The colour contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's eyes. 
The texture contradicts so much, that it hurts the master's hands.

And so the rose realized. And it takes so much of a willpower for it not to wilt, as the rose believes,  that it's enough for the rose to be the only to believe.
It is enough. It's more than enough.

And so the rose continued to blossom. It is a promise the rose intend to keep. To no one-but itself.

The Evening Worth Remembering

Alhamdulillah, I've just completed my Intro to Law subject's presentation last night. I had the chance to work with a great team who put in the best effort so all in all, everything ran smoothly.

Just wanted to recap on some of the things so I won't completely forget about it. Which I'm starting to miss it already.

My team has 5 members; including me. 2 guys named Ali and Afiq, both have silent humour, before knowing them I had no idea of their lame jokes because they seem reserved yet they're both hardworking alhamdulillah. The other 2 girls named Amyra and Hafizah are both great too, they're super sweet, a total opposite of me. Yet we can all balance each other out with our tolerance and consideration.

I am super blessed to be granted a chance to have these people who are reliable and trustworthy with the amount of task given to them. Regardless how crazy or weird the ideas that I suggested to them (because apparently I was the leader lol) they will try to reason it out first rather than rejecting it cold turkey. And that what makes me miss them the most. To think that us being a team was simply because of the random assortments from our lecturer; Miss Adibah.

So last evening marks the end of our group project for ITL's class, the only assessments left would be a quiz and the final exam.

We were lucky to get to choose the Court for Children as our topic. Quite simple, not really much hassle unlike the other courts, most probably because the scope of the cases they cater to which only relating to children. Lol. So yeah we get to present our topic in childlike manner, we used Dora the Explorer's theme song as our opening, me as the host of the episode and the others as my 'so-called' super intelligent friends who enlightened me on the CFC lolz. The audience was so sporting, they clapped and laughed all the way. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

The moment our presentation ended, Miss raised her hand and I started to feel nervous waiting for her question, turned out all she wanted to ask was

"so what is the next episode is going to talk about?"

and the whole class laughed upon hearing my answer.

"oh yes I forgot to tell all of you that this is actually my last episode. I won't be hosting the show anymore, sad I know."

Hahahahha. Even I tried my best not to laugh during my presentation. Mind you, I was shaking so badly. In the middle of trying to shush them down because of their uncontrollable laughter during the explanation, even I can't control my laugh either. Kelakar kan? Lol

But yes all of this won't work if I didn't get the full support from my team members. Alhamdulillah. Super blessed indeed. Whatever marks we'll get later on, we've done our best.







Moments like these makes me think of you guys. I wish you were here :)

Love, Book

Lately I've been learning

Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I really don’t like myself. Maybe I accidentally open my camera and it’s front-facing, maybe I speak a little too loudly and someone asks me to be quiet, maybe I text someone something that in retrospect was dumb. Sometimes it's something, most days it’s nothing. But to be honest there are days when I wonder what’s so great about me.

I’m telling you this not so you’ll think I’m cool or tell me why you like me. But rather as a reminder that the greatest battle each of us face is with ourselves. It’s so easy to forgive others their imperfections and love them for the essence of who they are. And yet when it comes to loving ourselves, our love is conditional. We have to be smart, thin, poised, graceful, flirty, driven, post perfect selfies, and always text back a clever emoji before we’ll even consider the fact that maybe we deserve a little love, too.

But the truth is you do. You deserve to love yourself without any condition. What a simple revelation.

Lately I’ve been learning to be a little nicer to myself, to pursue myself like I would anyone else. I look in the mirror and look for the good. I read books that make my mind feel beautiful. I listen to music that makes my soul soar. I treat myself to a little love, and the thing I’ve found is that loving myself makes me a much better person to be around. It means I have more love to give to those around me, more happiness to share. I know it’s not always easy, but you have to be kinder to yourself. You must, because frankly we need more people like you to be themselves. A little love goes a long way.

So do you, you beautiful butterfly. We’re waiting.

“I learned to love myself unconditionally because I am a queen.” –India Aire, "Video"

(Copied from Buzzfeed's Ashley newsletter)

Fields of Gold. By Sting.

Last November I stayed at a hotel. That one night, around midnight, someone was singing live and his voice echoed throughout the entire building. The atmosphere was mesmerizing and I didn't know who he was nor what song he was singing, all I managed to do was record a short clip of him singing. I never did find out who he was, though I had my suspicion that it was that tall, demure man with wrinkles on his face and wisdom in his eyes I saw in the lobby the following morning.

     The song, however. The song came on the radio a few nights ago. And I searched it up online and finally I got it. Something I've been searching for months and it came almost as a sort of unexpected comfort.

     Recently, I found myself in a state of confusion as well as false certainty. Whether or not I wanted something, genuinely, or for the sake of just wanting it because it seemed fitting that I do. Right in
the middle of my contemplation, it suddenly dropped on me, that I was a little too late. I have not made up my mind, but even if I have, it wouldn't have made any difference, because I couldn't have it any more even if I wanted to. And so despair dawned upon me, and I faced it every single day, pretending that it was all just fine, as cliche as that may sound.

     It was a painful surprise, knowing I have been denied before I could even make up a stand. I placed myself on the line, and for the very first time I laid it out on the table and confronted it. So it came as somewhat unexpected but then again, knowing myself, maybe I shouldn't have got my hopes up that high anyway.

     I decided to be cool about it though. And to not let it get in the way of more important things, things that I know have deeper value to me. So I swallowed my pride and pain and all the other things and I treated my days like I should. What came after that was something I did not expect to happen that quickly.

Comfort.

     An unexpected comfort. Knowing that I acknowledged what happened as just something that happened. Realizing that I am capable of moving past pain if I put my mind to it. Finding out that I can be okay even when it bothers me. All these years of practise finally done me good. At least something good came out of it.

     So I'll forget the sun in his jealous sky.
     As I lie in fields of gold.

 

Love, Book.

I'm learning to be more, connected with myself.

I'm learning to see things from perspectives.

I'm learning to love myself more.

I'm learning to appreciate me more. I'm learning not to let others evaluation on me to overshadow my worth.

I'm learning to cherish those who love me more. I'm learning to not be affected by simple things.

I'm learning to let go.

I'm learning to be strong. Stronger than before.

I'm learning to get rid of the bad habits even though old habits die hard, but I'm willing to try. I want to. I want to never stop learning on how to.

I'm learning to prioritize my responsibilities.
As a servant to Allah and a caliph to the world,
As a daughter to my parents and a sister to my siblings,
As a friend to each one of you and a student for the sake of my future,
As a girl who knows her worth and value and will never let anything shaken her from what she believes.
As a girl who for the moment, is appreciating all the love that she gets because she realizes that one day, she'll be gone from this world and even if that thought scares her, what makes her worried more is that the people around her didn't get the treatment that they deserves from her when she was still alive.

Just like between her and Allah, she's afraid that she might not has been a good slave to Him, she might has not worked hard enough on worshiping Him and carrying out her duties on being a good muslimah.

So I learn to relearn everything that I thought I already learnt, and know.

I'm going to learn to improve myself. Eventually, insya-Allah all the other missing pieces will fall into its places too.

Insya-Allah. Please dont forget to include me in your du'as. Together we shall strive this world with ease for the benefit of the Hereafter insya-Allah. Aaminnn.

I don't understand how this stupid, stupid contradiction can exist. 

I don't understand how all I ever feel for you is the opposite of what you say I'm showing.

How is it that I can spend years with pleasing you as my goal, and have that effort on every inch of my mind, and yet you claim that all I show is hatred.

How is it that I can't make you see that I live for your acceptance.

Why is it that I can never seem to make you sense my desperation for your approval of my existence.

How am I not able to make you see that you are all I live for.

Food for thought...

I've spent most of my life existing.

To live, now those are moments that I can count with my fingers.

I'm not saying that I'm not proud of the life I've lived so far.

I think I'm just coming up with a mere suggestion, to really push myself out of my comfort zone.

To really start going for things.

To just try. 

Maybe I'll end up liking it, maybe I won't. But if I don't like it, I can always back out.

I'm starting this tonight. I'm going to go for things which I usually don't give a care about.

Like, writing a blog post without any initial drafts. This post is completely spontaneous. Impromptu.

And I've also just signed up for the school's new angklung club. Just to try it out.

Cause I have to admit, my resume so far is pretty boring.

Okay, what else can I do?

Haha, it's the little things...  I think sometimes just a tiny gesture of self appreciation is all it really takes for us to feel better. Self healing is a really simple process if you can convince yourself that it is.

It's all you. 

Okay , I don't know what else to write about. I just wanted to express a few things on my mind and that's all I guess, haha

Okay.

Yours truly, 

crust.