Love, Book.

I'm learning to be more, connected with myself.

I'm learning to see things from perspectives.

I'm learning to love myself more.

I'm learning to appreciate me more. I'm learning not to let others evaluation on me to overshadow my worth.

I'm learning to cherish those who love me more. I'm learning to not be affected by simple things.

I'm learning to let go.

I'm learning to be strong. Stronger than before.

I'm learning to get rid of the bad habits even though old habits die hard, but I'm willing to try. I want to. I want to never stop learning on how to.

I'm learning to prioritize my responsibilities.
As a servant to Allah and a caliph to the world,
As a daughter to my parents and a sister to my siblings,
As a friend to each one of you and a student for the sake of my future,
As a girl who knows her worth and value and will never let anything shaken her from what she believes.
As a girl who for the moment, is appreciating all the love that she gets because she realizes that one day, she'll be gone from this world and even if that thought scares her, what makes her worried more is that the people around her didn't get the treatment that they deserves from her when she was still alive.

Just like between her and Allah, she's afraid that she might not has been a good slave to Him, she might has not worked hard enough on worshiping Him and carrying out her duties on being a good muslimah.

So I learn to relearn everything that I thought I already learnt, and know.

I'm going to learn to improve myself. Eventually, insya-Allah all the other missing pieces will fall into its places too.

Insya-Allah. Please dont forget to include me in your du'as. Together we shall strive this world with ease for the benefit of the Hereafter insya-Allah. Aaminnn.

I don't understand how this stupid, stupid contradiction can exist. 

I don't understand how all I ever feel for you is the opposite of what you say I'm showing.

How is it that I can spend years with pleasing you as my goal, and have that effort on every inch of my mind, and yet you claim that all I show is hatred.

How is it that I can't make you see that I live for your acceptance.

Why is it that I can never seem to make you sense my desperation for your approval of my existence.

How am I not able to make you see that you are all I live for.

Food for thought...

I've spent most of my life existing.

To live, now those are moments that I can count with my fingers.

I'm not saying that I'm not proud of the life I've lived so far.

I think I'm just coming up with a mere suggestion, to really push myself out of my comfort zone.

To really start going for things.

To just try. 

Maybe I'll end up liking it, maybe I won't. But if I don't like it, I can always back out.

I'm starting this tonight. I'm going to go for things which I usually don't give a care about.

Like, writing a blog post without any initial drafts. This post is completely spontaneous. Impromptu.

And I've also just signed up for the school's new angklung club. Just to try it out.

Cause I have to admit, my resume so far is pretty boring.

Okay, what else can I do?

Haha, it's the little things...  I think sometimes just a tiny gesture of self appreciation is all it really takes for us to feel better. Self healing is a really simple process if you can convince yourself that it is.

It's all you. 

Okay , I don't know what else to write about. I just wanted to express a few things on my mind and that's all I guess, haha

Okay.

Yours truly, 

crust.

Third Time's The Charm

I BROKE THE CURSE, MUHUHUHAHA

Alhamdulillah for 2016.

 Okay so here's what happened.

 I don't know if you know, but in all honesty, my seventeenth and eighteenth birthday were some of the worst days I've ever had.

That's two birthdays in a row. I remember those days vividly. My friends and you guys somewhat made my day but aside from having an emotional wreck and a mental breakdown, I mostly just sat there alone in a corner and feel bad. Just feeling really negative in general. And then there was the usual tension with my mother and everything and blah blah blah...

So this year for my nineteenth birthday, I didn't really expect anything aside from the usual birthday wishes. I really didn't wanna get my hopes up thinking ohhh maybe this year might turn out different. Different as in, MAYBE just maybe on my birthday this year I could actually get through the day without spiralling into another one of my "episodes" cause I haven't had those in a while. And I was really worried I might go back to that phase. Acting crazy and all. I don't really like my birthday.

Hence, the day before the big day, I mentally prepared myself to switch off. I told myself to just switch everything off, and don't feel anything, don't react to anything, don't do anything, don't say anything. This way, when something bad happens, I can just get through it with ease and a stone cold expression on my face. This would allow me to regain positivity much easier. It's easier to go from neutral to gear 5 then to be in gear 2 in the first place. (i have no idea what i'm talking about but i think u get it)

And then I woke up the next morning and it was my birthday. Okay... be cool. Don't ruin the neutral mode, just keep everything in check. So i got up extra early to make sure I could help out my mom as much as I could (it was a school day, my mom is almost always in a bad mood on school days). So I helped out here and there, and i never said anything and  i never even looked at her in the eye. The best way to not mess with her mood is by keeping my presence as low-key as possible.

CHECK. I got through the wee hours of the morning safely. Nothing ruined. By dawn, I noticed gifts on my desk and a little bday card, and she said happy birthday. And I just smiled and said a simple thank you. My guards were still up. That's a good thing. Always, I repeat ALWAYS be safe than sorry. I watched my every move and every word, DON'T SAY OR DO ANYTHING or I might ruin her mood. And then after that things went okay and I went to school. I got wishes from my sis and my dad on the way.

I got to KFC to meet dibo as usual, and the first thing she did was smile at me and that was when i put my guards down. Yeayy, now I can just relax and reply at the wishes that were to come. Dibo said happy birthday and left a message on whatsapp and I replied thank you, and I was glad to finally chill. And I was already satisfied, I was thinking.... "YES, alhamdulillah, today was a good birthday, I got through okay, I'm happy with it". So I went to class feeling okay. And I didn't expect my birthday to get any better.

But it did.

I got to class and got wishes from some of my girl classmates (btw some of my classmates already wished me at midnight through class whatsapp group) and one girl even hugged me. I smiled and laughed and carried on. And school carried on and most of them already wished me. Some guys repeatedly wished me just to annoy me. And then I unexpectedly got gifts! I didn't expect to get any gifts at all, and they gave me gifts! And what's funny is every gift I got was in the form of a food item and they all came from my guy friends. And I was really surprised and I find it really funny. They gave me cookies and candy in toy tubes and mentos and pepero and all I did was laugh my head off. They treated me like a five-year old. My deskmate said they all gave me food cause i'm too skinny. That was really thoughtful of them.

And we laughed and joked together and before school ended the whole class sang me a birthday song and that was my nineteenth birthday.

And yes, one of you got the date wrong and one of you forgot, but it doesn't matter cause I know you guys care so nonetheless it was a terrific birthday. I'm just glad it wasn't a third chaos in a row. Three years in a row would've been really bad, haha. The thing that made me happy the most was how I was granted a lot more self control and I was really proud at how I handled things this time.

Alhamdulillah for everything :D

Forever older than you,
crust.

Aida and her Adventure

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

From where should I begin?

Probably from the beginning; okay lets rewind shall we?

So it was 6am and alhamdulillah I woke up from my sleep. Waited for azaan to be called out, prayed subuh prayer and made myself a mug of nestum mixed with tamar cocoa afterwards, yes I was feeling productive mind you, it is the first day of class afterall lolz. Next I went to take my shower in the dark seems our toilet's electricity didnt worked..I have no idea why bcs it seems like that happened ALOT of times apparently.

So the thing is I alr screenshotted my schedule and based from my understanding, I'm gonna have class at 8am. Off I went to it. When I arrived at the venue, there were already students in it, so yeah as always I went straight to the front seat and thats when my worst memory was made; I fell off the chair, backwards. HAHAHA to make it worst, the girls who were helping me to stand were awfully quiet like there was no normal gushing like "omg are u ok" except for one or two takbir and astaghfirullah. Thats it. So yes ofc me being me I laughed it out. Alone. So yes I did looked like a crazy lunatic there thank you very much, no need to point it out.

After I managed to sit on a fine chair, I tried to brushed off the accident by looking at my phone awkwardly. Remembering my one of many resolutions this year which is to make new friends without any prejudice, I awkwardly turned to the back where the rest of the girls sit (i was sitting alone at the front padan muka nak duduk depan sangat kan hahahahahha) and pretty much the conversation went like this.

me: em hai..(awkward silence ensued hence an awkward smile was given to lighten the awkward situation) budak law ke?

girl 1: (hesitant ((probably bcs of my crazy laugh earlier))) eh tak..budak malcom

me: oh yeke..ok..haha.. (me thinking of oh this is just like that one class where they mixed all the students regardless what course we're in)

me: (attempting a conversation) ni section 302 kan? (looking at the girl 2 besides girl 1) *one valuable tip to make new friends: never neglects that someone besides the person you're talking to

girl 2: eh tak....(searched through her notebook) ni section 312..

me: (thinking she messed it up since 312 and 302 is pretty close) eh yeke..but ive screenshotted the schedule and it stated here its 302..

girl 2: eh taklah..ni 312 lah..

me: (feeling curious) ni kelas introduction to law kan?

girl 2: eh tak..ni kelas english (she looked at girl 1 to ask for confirmation and unfortunately girl 1 nodded)

me: eh yeke.............oh first year ke?

girl 2 & girl 1: ha'ah..

me: oh patutlah..kita second year (I REGRET THIS VERY MUCH BCS I LIED AND THERES NO REASON TO REASON THIS LIE)

girl 1 & girl 2: (awkwardly nodded)

me: (an even awkward smile) em takpelah mcmtu..ada mixed up lah tu..saya pergi dulu lah, assalamualaikum bye..

& then I left without looking back.

All this happened in within tak sampai 10 mins pun I think.

So I went to the library and sat there for quite some time..wanted to check the schedule again using the library's computer but sadly the computer cant be used..so I went back to the class and waited outside in hope to catch the lecturer bfore he or she went in to show him or her my schedule.. as I was waiting and staring hard at my already-screenshotted-schedule...I noticed that besides the 8, instead of the word AM, its actually PM.

Yes, my class is at night. I was at the right venue, just at the wrong time. Allahuakbar.

So back I went to my room. Mahirah and Sabrina were getting ready for their classes and I, being the classic Aida immediately burst out and told them almost everything that just happened hahahahaha Sabrina terus check jadual dia lolz bcs in my defense, selalunya kelas malam dia tak tulis kat portal..selalunya kelas malamni its not something you make it official until its being written on the portal LOLLOLOL haih and Mahirah's comment was:

"apa nak jadila dgn aida ni..malam td salah masuk bilik..pagi ni jadi mcmni pulak hahaha aida dh kenapa"

Ha yg tu pun lawak gak..lepas ambik wudhu' kat bilik air dgn tak pakai speknya, I was walking back with my head down like always, bertafakkur la kononnya hahahaha sampai boleh terlepas bilik and salah masuk bilik orang lain ahhahaha yg tk boleh blah tu bilik org tu tk berkunci so mmg lg sikit je aida masuk bilik diorg hahahahah k.

SO tu lah, and then lpas diorg pg kelas aida terus bukak laptop buat jadual sendiri kt words. I organized them back sbb jadual kat portal slalu berterabur hahahhaa and lpastu pg kelas pukul 11. Public speaking class; alhamdulillah I managed to make new friends there yeayyy and lecturer tak datang after half an hour we waited so I went to check my English level, supposedly Aida kena ambik level 6 sem ni but turns out blablabla Aida dah exempted English yeayyy so no more English classes for me huhuhu fokus kat arab je skrg hihi.

Kelas Business Studies pukul 2-4pm tadi pulak takde elektrik hahahah so basically we were sitting in a confined sauna with almost 20 students altogether hahaha the lecturer was an old man btw so he was quite cute and the kind of guy who can got distracted by talking about another topic again and again or from one topic to another so yeah, cute hahahha. Reminds me of my grandpa hehehe.

Blablabla sir lepaskan awal setengah jam, Aida dgn kawan Aida terus pg library sejukkan badan hahahha and then pg kelas Arab. Kelas Arab sejuk alhamdulillah!!! Lpastu tetiba someone dtg inform yg ustazah kata kelas start esok sooo yeayy

OK THIS IS THE BEST PART I mean takdela best mana but ok

Otw pg Quranic Language Department to buy Arab's notebook, I em bumped into my crush. He was with his friend and he called out my name and then he asked me what subjects I take this sem. KFINE I ADMIT I ACT DH NAMPAK DIA DARI JAUH HAHAHAH but I wasnt really sure if it was himmmmmm but then I was like ok lets just pretend I didnt see him if it was really him so as I was talking animatedly with my friend DIA TEGUR HAHAHHAA HAHHAHA HAHAHA ahahahahah sooooo yeah the conversation was pretty awkward I MEAN I WAS BEING AWKWARD I COULDNT EVEN STRING A PERFECT SENTENCE AND BASICALLY JUST AGREED WITH EVERYTHING HE SAID GOD IM SOOOO UGH but he was being cool as usual gosh. Oh my goodness. Haih. He did teased me about my current status as Law student and I was like hey this friend of mine over here is a recently-changed-programme-student too and she was in fact from encom (another english course) too and then HE SAID oh so you guys are the murtad group la and I STUPIDLY SAID well yes I guess you could called us that SEE HOW STUPID MY RESPONSE WAS AND HE WAS LIKE WHAT WE CAN CALL YOU WHAT AND LAUGHED WITH HIS FRIEND I WAS LIKE WHAT WHAT DID I SAY AND MENTALLY KNOCKED MY HEAD OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH MY FIST so yeah

k. Tu je kot. And then I was like meh. What a day. And I still have a two-hour class to attend tonight. Wish me luck guys hahahaha called ygirls bcs of this actually, wanted to rant this out to you but yeah I understand, its Monday anyway hahaha soooo ok. Tu je huhu. Muah muah. Hehes

Griffin

GRIFFIN ~ strong in faith

Griffin can actually be considered a childhood friend. We went to primary school together until he moved away at one point. And then he returned several years later and I was 16 when my journey with Griffin's wisdom began.

Griffin came back quiet, more than the old him. Some people thought he was shy, some thought he was being a stand-off and others just thought he forgot his native tongue. But that's just the way he is. Silent on the outside, heavy on the inside.

When Griffin came back he changed me in ways I never imagined. He helped me be better, spiritually. He helped me gave up most of the bad and take up most of the good. Griffin reminded me of the sense of purpose. And he taught me to be more open. 

Griffin showed me the the pros and cons of adapting. That it can be liberating and suffocating at the same time. He showed me that intelligence is a noise. That you don't need to utter words for the right people to hear you. That you can make a bold statement by doing nothing. That confidence can be quiet. That happiness can be quiet. That pain can be quiet.

Griffin taught me that distance can test you. But it could also be next to nothing if you have strength and love and faith. Griffin taught me to be nicer. Even when I think I'm already being nice. He taught me that experience can change you. That travelling is an asset. And that anime is global. And that people are global. And that I can be global, without needing too much money. 

Griffin also taught me that my own feelings can deceive me. And that I need to be careful, and I need to be firm. I will next time. 

But one lesson that stood out the most is that silence is deceptive. Silence is confusing. Silence is deafening. Silence is a defence mechanism, as well as it is a trait. A form of art, painted out of either contentment or rage or pain or settlement. Silence can be peaceful but it can also drive you nuts. Silence can define someone. Whether he likes it or not.

Griffin, just like Zachary, is a part of who I am today. And this is my tribute to him.

Thank you, Griffin.

Zachary

ZACHARY ~ leader

I first met Zachary when I was 13. 

Zachary as his name, was the leader of every and any pack that was. It came naturally to him, that sort of guardianship and leadership that drew others quite easily. 

I am not exactly sure how I became friends with him but I did, and I have never regretted it.

Zachary showed me that I can be funny and awesome. Zachary showed me that I am subtly interesting. At least, for a short amount of time. He taught me that laughter is really the best way to mask your troubles. He taught me that loud can be silent, and that you'll only realize this if you shift your perspective just right. 

Zachary taught me that people can get hurt just by watching others get hurt. He showed me that sometimes sacrifices are worth it, even if you were forced to do it in the beginning. Zachary showed me that the world is out there, and that you see things way differently if you can push yourself to step outside your comfort zone. He showed me how to go places with my mind, and experience with my heart.

Zachary taught me how to swear, though now I have stopped. He taught me that it's okay to know things even if they are bad. Because it's what you do with the knowledge that makes it good or bad. Zachary sparked my thirst for more. More info, more exposure, more. Without feeling afraid.

Zachary also taught me that time is relative. That things are not necessarily determined, even if you've invested three years into it. That disappointments can make the best teachers. That sometimes you don't even know why, but you let go on your own eventually. And you truly accept the fact that it is for the better, even if you still do wonder 'what if' from time to time, you just know it's better that way.

Zachary taught me a lot of things. But the most important of all is that he helped me see how much room I have to grow into. To expand. To broaden. To reach and fulfil. To be so much more. More than I expected. 

Zachary is a part of who I am today. And this is my tribute to him.

Thank you, Zachary.