Sixx:A.M. Life is beautiful

There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home...

You can't quit until you try

You can't live until you die

You can't learn to tell the truth

Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke

You gotta laugh when you're the joke

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't

I've done things that you won't 

There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse

What came next was so much worse

It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful.

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry at my funeral?

When you lost it all, that's when u finally realise: that life... is beautiful

Through the lowest part of my life, this song had motivate me to drag myself to keep going forward. I don't know how much it could help you guys but I just thought of sharing it with you. Even now, when I feel like I really can't go on anymore, I listen to this song. Seems taboo, I know, but it works for me. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

Through the rough times, remember that Allah will never give His servant something he cannot bear. If He believes that you could get through this, have a little faith and trust yourself to keep moving forward. He is fair. Remember to be grateful, remember to be compassionate, remember to be patient. Good will come to those who wait (teehee Tangled ref. which btw was quoted from Violet Fane, 1892).

The most important thing to remember is that, in hardships, there is no one in this whole universe that could change the circumstance except you, yourself. People around you could only guide, lead and support but the changes; reaching out, crawling/running to the better place, understanding yourself, forgiving yourself, letting yourself to heal, these things you have to do it. I won't lie. While your trying to fix your self, there are people who will beat your already broken self down.There will be times where when you need people the most but they weren't there. It's okay. That's life. Don't give up on them, they might be the only one that stays. You will get scratched and bruised but at the end, after all the suffocation, you will finally be able to breath a new life. It's won't be dark there anymore. It won't be cold. Although, like everything else in life, this process will have a side effect. You will be left with scars and wounds that would never truly be gone. Your mind thinks in different ways. You learn to control yourself but you also lose some of yourself. You are no longer the broken one, you are a survivor.

Remember the pain that you've gone through and be kind, be loving; because we never know what sort of life the person walking pass by you had been through.

Cookie

These are some of my thoughts..

1. What am I trying to say here?

2. I could be dead right now.

3. Are you guys okay?

4. I should be studying.

5. I don't think we could survive in the real world.

6. I regret so much.

7. I figured out my favorite color after 19 years of living.

8. People around me are growing up in all the wrong ways.

9. Do I really want it back?

10. I won't always be lonely, but I will always be alone. 

11. I won't always be alone, but I will always be lonely.

12. I have so much love to give.

13. Don't.

14. Nobody will know what really happened.

15. I wonder how old that photo is.

16. I just bought a skateboard.

17. I can never go back to being normal.

18. I am no less than evil.

19. I crave salvation but I refuse to take it, every single time.

20. I bathe myself in lust to keep myself from grabbing the knife.

21. I can't love.

22. I have kittens running around outside my house.

23. I need to fix my posture.

24. How many more years?

25. They still haven't realized how messed up things are.

26. Non of my friends know how serious things are.

27. No fear of death will be the death of me.

28. I don't look at the sky that much anymore even though I want to.

29. My sister gave me a giraffe key chain.

30. Tears are a luxury.

31. I am always waiting for things to fall apart. 

32. My teeth.

33. I want money.

34. I'm more free.

35. I'm more materialistic.

36. Will my past effort help me when I need it?

37. I'm counting down the days to say bye.

38. Those important to me will never know the true extent of my love for them.

39. I want to pierce my cartilage.

40. I'm wasting my days.

41. I'm sad that nobody will know what I actually am.

42. The twins make me happy.

43. How can I travel further?

44. I will burn in hell.

45. I am afraid.

46. Blackbear is really good.

47. People will die and I will regret everything.

48. Forever goes a long way.

49. Fuck.

50. I don't know who I am anymore.

51. I am completely happy :)

H State

It might be the hormone talking

but who would've passed the chance on meeting a nice guy, right?




It's funny how you've mentioned the word "sex drive".
To me, that is the key of relationship. Depends on how you control it though. To Malays, the word is a bit sensitive as it is a taboo issue among us that is never actually being discussed openly.

But yes, to be able to love someone, you must've felt it along the way. And how nice it must've been to know that the feeling is mutually shared.

How nice it must've been to be able to cuddle with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to laugh with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to play house with someone who loves you,
How nice it must've been to be able to kiss with someone who loves you,

How nice it must've been to be able to be doing it passionately, with someone who loves you.

Yes, there's the prospect of you and him falling out,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him fighting over nothing- or everything,
Yes, there's the prospect of you and him ended-up divorcing,

But wouldn't it all be worth it in the end?
To be able to experience it, at least to know what and how it feels like- rather than being kept in the dark for years longing for it?

At least you've known.




But even I, am writing this with a heavy heart.

Is it all worth it?
Lord knows I know it's not. Explains my years of being alone.
I'm sorry if it's the same with you too.

Just know that
it's okay to be afraid.

It's okay to not be brave
sometimes you just have to take the plunge- and jump.

Love,

Book

Through the glass heart

Hah. Had a conversation with a friend the other day, about relationships and the importance of sex (I guess u can call it that lol) and this is basically how it went down:

Disclaimer: This is only my part of the conversation.

"Idk. I just wanna love someone till it hurts but not in a way it makes me sad or something like that. It hurts cause I love that person so much I don't want to lose him. It hurts cause I care so much about him and the thought of him not being by my side would never cross my mind. And if that person is willing to let someone go cause their sex drive is not the same, then he doesn't love her as much as he thought. You could communicate. There must be a reason why a person doesn't want it right? Timing? Practise? If she loves him so much, she would do it. They would find time. And if they do really love each other, they would have that lust for each other anyway. Idk, for him to let her go because of that, for me, is very sad. What happen to till death do us part and in sickness or in health? Empty vows? Idk. People fall out of love. I know, I understand. But when they are in love, I wished that they loved each other so much that nothing can get though."

"If we love each other so much, just get married. Simple. He can do what ever he wants. Usually people think like oh marriage, gonna have kids and stuff but that all can wait till they are stable enough. I just don't understand why on earth would a guy not marry the girl he think is The One."

"But then again, people say it's just sex right."

"if they do love each other they should and will have that lust for each other. So I would agree on your first statement [which is that if people don't lust for each other before marriage, then it would be the same after], but I guess, then, it's more about control and patience. I have loved a guy for 7 years. So I know how frustrating it is to want more. But I think it makes the sex more special you know. It's like the feeling when they say their vows or like the first time they hold their baby and feel like they could see the whole world in that baby. So they have to build a relationship that goes in that direction. Not like haha I just want someone to care for me but to love some so passionately. He could kiss me, hold me and stuff like that, I wouldn't mind. I think at that point, they should have already know if this person is the one or not. They have been through so much, they must of know what they want. So then just put a ring on it. As for the girl, she can't be a ***** about it too though. Like leading people around and in the end just let go. Plus, what would happen if i got into an accident and sex was out of the option? I gave him something more precious to me than my v card. I gave him my heart and cause I couldn't have sex with him, he just decides to shove it back to me and leaves. Just cause he 'can't take it anymore'. **** him man."

"Plus, okay probably it's just me but I am sorta kinda possessive but not in a way I'll be crazy jealous or anything. Sure probably pout here and there but cause I know he loves me, I wouldn't mind so much."

So yeah, learnt so much about myself that day. I don't know. I guess am the type of person who bundle up sex, love, trust and marriage together. And I guess another question I should ask when we had the conversation is "why would u want to have the sex in the first place?" because for me, I want to have it exclusively for my forever and always. It would be a sign that I gave you everything. No more secrets, No more holding back, No more waiting. I entrust you with my heart and happiness. You would be my warmth and I would be yours. but then again,

"maybe I am living in a fantasy world hahahahaha".

Cookie

Criss Crossing between grids

Take a deep breath. Inhale.

Then let everything go. Exhale.

Again. Inhale. Exhale.

In and out.

Everything's alright. 

There's nothing here.

I repeat the words again and again like a broken record. I wait patiently for the ceiling lights to slowly break through the gaps between my eyelids, like always, but today there is none. My mind starts to clear and my sense regains consciousness. It's dark outside, no stars in sight. Outside? 

I recall sitting at my table after a call. My heart felt heavy then as I realised the things I had missed while I was here. The air was dense and I just needed some fresh air, I needed to walk.

I glance to my sides and notice the empty streets. A faint breeze pass by and taking some of the heaviness away. I take another breath and let the warm air slip from my mouth. It's little lighter now, I notice, and began to pace forward; one step at a time. 

My head is buzzing with noise but I could not register the reason behind it. What are they saying? Everything is all jumbled up. The cacophonous of voices keeps on growing and they are closing in on me. I close my eyes, breathe in and change the wavelength. Tuning the voice as white noises scattering behind the back of my mind. This is the last time, I hoped.

I'll be the perfect daughter. The perfect student, perfect worker, prefect wife and perfect mum. As perfect as I could be but, just this time, let me fall apart, let me be reckless, let me be me. 

Cookie