SECRETS
We all have them.
Let me tell you one of mine.
Sometimes. or rather, most of the time now, I look at the three of you and I feel afraid.
Among all my friends and acquaintances, I very much consider you guys as the closest few.
I get scared of how much you don't know about me.
Sure, we all have parts that are hidden away from certain people. My peers know one side of me, my teachers know one side of me, my parents know one side of me, and you guys, well, you know a few parts of me.
But I worry about the parts that nobody but God knows about.
There is so much that nobody knows about me, at times it feels too much that it suffocates me. Both the bad ones and the good ones, remaining in a captivity of silence.
What if something happens to me, and I leave this world along with all those things? Nobody would ever know, the extra good and the extra bad. Buried along with me.
I wonder, if that happens, or when, would it make a difference if I have told everyone? Someone? About all those things?
I am not writing this to start something. To make people ask me what. No, not at all.
I am writing this, because I know myself well enough to know that I could never open those extra boxes. And I know they will be buried along with me later on.
I am writing this, in the hopes that later, if my parents, my family or anyone who knows me for that matter, decides to suddenly wonder about me...
Then please know that nobody ever really did know me. And that I am so, so much more than what I ever was in the time that I was still there. I am sorry for everything. I am beyond sorry.
Please know that I had the best intentions. And I make mistakes. And I am not well skilled at communicating. And above all that I tried. So hard.
So yes, I am complicated. I am intoxicated. I am aimless and selfish and egoistic.
And perhaps all those extra boxes won't ever be completely spilled over.
And maybe I'm just not meant to be more than what you see.
I have a whole world inside me.
Maybe it'll make you proud, or the opposite. I don't know.
Either way..
I am sorry. to you and to myself, that I couldn't share it with you.
I wish I could.
I wish I could let myself be known wholly. But then again, that never really happens.
Not with me.
Not with anybody.
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Sunday, 5 June 2016
Thoughts..
Alone.
We've all been that before. We've all felt that before. Many times. Whether it's good or bad is entirely what you make of it. Being alone can make you feel better or it can make you feel worse. But I didn't know that it could make me feel nothing.
It was almost like it was just... a fact. I am alone. I don't feel bad about it but I don't feel good about it either. It dawned upon me like a slow realisation, that comes along with age. The older I get, the more I see behind the curtains. And the more I understand, that people are people. That my friends are people. That my family are people. Individuals, with their own complexities, their own different rationales, their own logic and feelings and connection levels.
Sometimes it still catches me by surprise, how lost I get in their roles.
Why are you being this way? I thought you were my friend. How could you do this? I thought you were my parents.
How, why, the questions, the confusion, the betrayal, it can all be made into sense by one answer.
They are all real people. People that can change their minds. People that need convincing. People that need to be impressed. People that can be disappointed.
And I realised that effort is required within these relationships. But I am scared to admit that I was disappointed. And that I got disheartened. And that I stopped giving a fuck. Because I am weak and dependant, and now I can't be anymore.
I don't know what to do, or where to go.
But I know that I am alone. And perhaps, it's better that way.
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