Hey, it's August already.

Been too quiet for awhile.

I don't have any pride left in front of you, might as well show my pathetic side until the end.
I also have no clue in what is supposed to be happening in this post but figured I might just give it a shot. Because what's there to lose anymore, right. When I already lose each one of you.

You might want to likened this post to a drunk call full of drunken rambles by a drunkard loser.

I just want to say,
this is not a matter of choosing who stays and who leaves.
It is a matter of me feeling wanted, cherished and loved.

All I ever ask is of you to return my calls back,
like how you would do when you received a missed call from your boyfriend.
 All I ever want is of you to be happy.

You knw
//do you?

Unnatural Causes by Dr Richard Shepherd [Part 1]

Quick bio of Dr Richard Shepherd i copied from the back cover of the book:

Richard Shepherd was born in West London but grew up in Watford. At the local grammar school he was introduced to a medical textbook smuggled into the classroom by a friend which opened his eyes to the world of crime and murder, setting him on a lifelong quest to understand death in its many forms. He trained as a doctor at St George's Hospital medical school at Hyde Park Corner, qualifying in 1977, and then completed his postgraduate training as a forensic pathologist in 1987. He immediately joined what was then the elite forensic department at Guy's Hospital.

He has been involved nationally and internationally in the forensics investigation of thousands of death from unnatural causes - from local murderers to international disasters - and also the many sudden and unexplained deaths that his investigation showed were from natural causes or due to accidents. His skills and expertise still remain in demand around the world.

I'll just be summarising the big parts/conclusions, in my opinion, of each chapters. I will also be skipping the walk-through of the investigative process detailed in these chapters. 

Chapter One : pages one to three

Richard was experiencing a panic attack as he flew by Hungerford. He was in denial of it but was questioning whether he should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist and whether he wants to discontinue his work.

Chapter Two: pages four - 19

Here we take a peek through Richard's memory - a case that led him to gain recognition as a forensic pathologist. The case was a mass murder that occurred in Hungerford, 1987. Michel Ryan was on a spree, killing 16 people (including his mum as well as himself) and 15 people that survived were injured making it one of UK's biggest massacre. Death came about unexpectedly to these victims, 'a violent ending to [their] peaceful and otherwise uneventful lives.'

Richard's career prior to this case had mostly consist of victims. Rarely did he 'saw perpetrators, and had certainly never seen someone who had caused so much death and injury. Could he, should he, treat Ryan with the same respect he showed his victims?'

We realise now why Hungerford is triggering a panic attack for Richard and it's possibly not just the sheer amount of innocent death. During those times, random act of killing was an unusual and unfamiliar event - the reasoning behind Ryan's act was unfathomable, no clear motive was ever established and the event was surreal. By the end of Ryan's post-mortem, 'everyone in the room looked at him with incomprehension. He looked as vulnerable as any victim of crime, as any of his own victims.' 

In additional to his denial of experiencing a panic attack, near the end of this chapter, he also mentioned that he could not for the longest time acknowledge the shock and sadness the massacre has bought upon him. These behaviour seems to arise due to stereotypical attribute pathologists carry - 'tough-talking alpha males' whom 'would never have shown such a thing, nor allowed themselves to think of it'. Furthermore, 'in order to serve society [pathologists] sometimes have to suspend some aspect of [their] humanity'; and to seek truth, they 'require clinical detachment'.

He also noted that immediate families and patients who gave permission to post-mortem are generous as they are helping "other patients by giving medical staff a superb opportunity to learn and improve."

Chapter three: Pages 20 - 23
In this chapter, although Richard was still experiencing panic attacks, he believes that he has control over it and concluded that didn't need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. He had no good reason to stop practising as a forensic pathologist either.

We can see that anything that reminded Richard of Hungerford and other news of mass murders still triggers his panic attacks. He again considered consoling with a professional, even a priest, 'whose job is to receive weaknesses and offer [people] strength.' And again after calming himself, he deemed it unnecessary. 

In a good spot

'Tis not enough, taste, judgment, learning, join;

In all you speak, let truth and candour shine:

That not alone what to your sense is due,

All may allow; but seek your friendship too.

       Be silent always when you doubt your sense;

And speak, though sure, with seeming diffidence:

Some positive, persisting fops we know,

Who, if once wrong, will needs be always so;

But you, with pleasure own your errors past,

And make each day a critic on the last.

       'Tis not enough, your counsel still be true;

Blunt truths more mischief than nice falsehoods do;

Men must be taught as if you taught them not;

And things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Without good breeding, truth is disapprov'd;

That only makes superior sense belov'd.

       Be niggards of advice on no pretence;

For the worst avarice is that of sense.

With mean complacence ne'er betray your trust,

Nor be so civil as to prove unjust.

Fear not the anger of the wise to raise;

Those best can bear reproof, who merit praise.

(Alexander Pope, An Essay of Criticism)

Starting off the post with this poem as it's the intro to the book I'm currently reading and I thought I would share it with you guys.  The name of the book I'm reading now is called Unnatural Causes by Dr Richard Shepherd, he is a forensic pathologist based in UK.

I bought the book a few hours ago for my road trip this weekend (more of that a little later) and the narrative 'tells us the story not only of the bodies and cases that have haunted him most, but also how to live a life steeped in death.' I haven't gone too far into the book but seems like it would be a good read. Might give u guys an update on it later in the future. I'm excited to read it as I've really been interested in this genre for a while now but have refrained myself from buying it because I still have a few books I haven't start reading yet. I said to myself that I won't buy any new books to read until I finished the ones I have. However, after months passed and dust began to collect on those books that I have, I concluded that I should just move on and read something I'm keen on instead. I could revisit my 'old' books another time or even donate it if I have completely lose interest in it. 

I'm currently in a good spot in my life I think, at least for now. I just had a nice catch-up session with a friend of mine today. I've been reminding myself to keep in touch with my friends and family more occasionally because I think I'm in a good mental space and I'm ready to be more sociable. I loveeee being around people. I'm not an extrovert but being with other people, personally, really adds more to my life. I love interacting with people and seeing how they go about in their journey in life. I did take a year or two off from interacting with people, my family included, because I just really needed some time by myself and I'm grateful that I was able to do that. It was quite difficult as I like being around people and at times I want to reach out to people but it didn't seem right at that time, I didn't want them to feel like I'm playing them or be with them when it's most convenient for me and ignore them all other times. At times I felt guilty too, as I felt like I was abandoning others for my own selfishness and making them feel like they had done something wrong when clearly they haven't. But I was quite determined, actually it's more like my head is just a mess and I clearly really need to sort it out. Anyway, I don't want to write too long about this topic along cause I do any to give updates on different aspect of my life as I haven't properly done it with you girls in a while. In conclusions here, I'm slowly rekindling my relationships with my friends and family. 

As I mentioned before, I am going on a trip this weekend to NSW, specifically to visit Linguine's family. I will be travelling by car with his parents and for once I told my parents about out trip, and they approved. In NSW, L's aunt has a beautiful estate where they have a macadamia farm and the family is just such a kind and lovely family. I am very excited to share this experience with my parents. It's not my first time here, I've been there two to three times already tbh, but I can finally share a part of my journey and my relationship with L with them. This is quite an important milestone for our relationship in my opinion. I'll share some picture from the trip with you girls later on. 

As u know I have recently graduated, huge pressure lifted off from my shoulder. I'm currently unemployed and looking for work. Currently waiting for my visa to be approved as well. It has been difficult, mostly cause I'm impatient and I haven't been really active in my job search. But I got into my first interview recently and it for a good position, I'm excited for it. It's actually for the first job I applied to, it's been a month since I applied, so I kinda gave up on it until I received a phone call from them. I did a phone interview, proceeded to an in-person interview and next week I will be my third time interviewing with the company; each stage being interview by a member with more authority than the previous one. I didn't think I was gonna proceed to the third interview because it was for a full-time position and I can only work for a limited amount of time as I'm still on my student visa (internal screeching) but I got through. I am assuming that I'm still competing with candidates that's meets the requirements of what the company needs, so not getting my hopes too high up. It's for a graduate accountant position, it's with an energy company but I will be dealing with the clean energy aspect of the company.

Things that I have been really getting into these days are beekeeping, honey and skincare. Once I stumbled upon honey extractions and beekeeping, there was no going out. I'm totally obsessed with it, so far as to even include it in my interview when prompted about my interests. I also told L that I wanted to have my own small hive when we have a house. While on this topic, I also said I wanted to grow our own mushrooms. I'm kinda in a roll about wanting to produce some of the things I consume because it just seems so fascinating to me personally. In terms of skincare, it really started, I guess, when I watch a lot of Tati Westbrook's videos. I like her make-up style and her subtle approach of maintaining your skin from within. I when I am able to, I would like to try her product for skin, hair and nails - known as Halo Beauty. But what really got me into skincare was Susan Yara's series where she commentated other people's skincare regimen. She would give tips, advice and information about the method people are applying their skincare, the ingredient present in the product people are using and what's best for their skin type. I wanna learn more about the ingredients used in skincare and what are the benefits and drawbacks related to it. 

Lastly, I've noticed our blog becoming more and more rooted in English. I plan to try to incorporate more Malay in my posts in the future and I urge u guys to also write in Malay as well. The reason why I don't do my posts in Malay is because honestly, I don't have the confidence to. My English is not that good, but I'm not use to using Malay anymore and I don't want to sound kekok you know.  It's also one of the reasons why I'm quite timid on going back to Malaysia. It's horrible I know, like hello it's your own mother tongue language kot. I can do conversations and rojak but to work in an environment where I have to converse in professional Malay jargon is quite intimidating for me. 

Anyway, that's all for now. Catch you guys later in the future. 

Cookie 

Here we are

HelloHello

It's been almost a decade since we all first met up. From when we were all thirteen (though one of us was probably 14 already at that time hu hu hu) and until now in our early twenties. How things have change since then and how different it is from what we envisioned. We are miles apart from each other, walking our own path and forming into our own person.

 It's September, it's past the mid-year point and a new year is approaching.

It's interesting on how different we are as an individual - to each our own strengths and shortcoming. We face our own realities where different environment raises different forms of hardship and joy. Waking up each day, conquering our own fears and lifting our own burdens.

We always worry about our actions and the impact it has. Weighing out our options and decisions, trying to figure out whether we made the right choice. I mean it makes sense right, as our actions not only define our character but subconsciously define our worth - to ourselves, to society and to our creator.

But our capabilities vary - one might be more able to give love and show compassion, one has a stronger will and perseverance and others might have more mercy and forgiveness. But even then, each of the factors varies in meaning and have different forms. So how can we determine what we are worth and whether or not our character is limited/inadequate? Did we make the right choice? Is it their fault, or is it mine?

Honestly, who knows. We're human after all. We make mistakes, we lack experience, we're oblivious at times and others just simply in denial and stubborn during other (least for me).

Seven. In terms of general characterisation, we can take the seven deadly sins and heavenly virtues as a basis of looking at a character of a person.

Seven Deadly Sins	Seven Heavenly Virtues
Lust              Excessive sexual appetite	Chastity              Purity
Gluttony      Over-indulgence	Temperance       Self-restraint
Greed           Avarice	Charity              Giving
Sloth             Laziness/idleness	Diligence            Zeal/integrity/labour
Wrath          Anger	Forgiveness       Composure
Envy             Jealousy	Kindness            Admiration
Pride            Vanity	Humility            Humbleness

Where do we fall in the spectrum? Do we need to shift more towards the other side? do we only need to strive towards the end of the heavenly virtues? We, I believe, need to strive to have a little bit of both, some balance to our lives. Being too nice can come at a cost as well. It can intentionally or unintentionally make other act a certain way or even enable them to be bad. Simplest example is that you keep giving money for your friend, friend uses money to buy excessive amount of food, gambling too much or not encouraging them to perform as best they can. Being too humble can, at times, result to lack of acknowledgement in your own self-worth, people might take advantage of you and you could minimise the impact of receiving positive affirmation - the opportunity to feel a sense of belonging, rejecting someone's appreciation or even make the situation awkward.

I really like this video about the Cinderella effect where in this context people "blame the victim of emotional and physical abuse for being unable to escape [their] situation". People might overlook her strong characteristics of perseverance, patience as well as the ability and courage to act where appropriate. I like the video cause it highlights these 'passive' characteristics which at times goes unnoticed and underappreciated. Sometimes our environment requires a different kind of strength to withstand the condition we are face every day.

On a side note, for more religion related content, read the following crossed out sentences. I didn't want to make the post too religious. Hence why I decided to cross it out. The strands of thought came in predominantly when I thought about the concept of lust and chastity. Where... It's not only to serve God and it's not only to delve in earthly pleasures. 

Serve God and enjoy the things God creates, you know. Serving God does not only happen when you do your obligatory deeds and prayers. Smiling to others is serving God, listening to others' misgivings is servings, appreciating his creations is serving, being patient is serving and payer well, it happens when u pray; when u communicate with God. 

One thing that I appreciate growing up watching Madeline (and generally other Christian entertainment) is when they pray before eating. To give a small thanks for what that have. It's very simple and in actuality, we can do it whenever. As simple as saying Alhamdulillah but also more specific. Like what are you thankful for? At least for me, when I determine what is it that I am thankful for, I am more thankful, I feel more blessed. There is just a feeling I can't translate into words. Yes, at times I don't know what I'm thankful for and that's okay. Be thankful you are there, be thankful to feel thankful. Some people are in such a rut that they don't have the opportunity to feel thankful. Sudden jump back to balance in 3, 2, 1 ...

So yeah being balance is where we should be at. Buddhism/Hinduism talks about chakras. I like the concept and ideas behind it very much - based to my understanding that is. I like the concept of facing the things you don't want to face and also the concept of learning to let go and acceptance. It may also give us a first few steps on how to go forward/come closer to attributes we want to achieve. This video of Avatar can give you a snapshot of what's happening.

Chakras deals with	Blocked/hindered by
Security, survival	Fear
Pleasure, intimacy, relationship	Guilt
Willpower, drive, purpose, wisdom	Shame, letdowns, disappointment
Love, connection, compassion, healing	Grief, sadness, loss
Truth, openness, communication	Lies, denials, lies
Insight, intuition, awareness	Illusion
Spirituality	Earthly attachment

Human is really complex being. We are all different and we are all giving our best. we make mistakes, yes, but it only makes us wiser if we use the experience and knowledge we receive from it wisely. I love that we are all different, because in a way, maybe we can all lean on each other, learn from each other. Difference can be hard to overcome but being different can make us way stronger, especially when we have overcome our differences and learn to accept and understand each other.

Just as I did with the post here, and just as General Iroh from Avatar said, "It is important to draw wisdom from different places. If you take it from only one place it becomes rigid and stale." And "while it's best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you help you." "The horizon may look far but keep an open mind and an open heart, you will find your destiny someday when the time is right."

/////////Bonus songggg ////////////

I don't know whether this is what I intended for this post, and whether it even had any intention from the beginning. But this is what I have for you all and this is very roughly what was on my mind around August (yes it's been that long I know, love you guys, thanks for your patience). Posted it late cause it was quite hard to translate what I had in my mind and what I felt in my heart but this is what I've got so far and I think I have delayed this post well over past it's due. It's time.

Cookie

James TW: When You Love Someone

Come home early after class
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard
I've been called up by a teacher
She says she can't even reach you 'cause you're so far
You've been talking with your fist
We didn't raise you up like this, now did we
There have been changes in this house
Things that you don't know about in this family

It don't make sense, but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
The way things go
Son you should know

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone

There ain't no one here to blame
Nothing's going to change with your old friends
Your room will stay the same
'Cause you'll only be away on the weekends

It don't make sense but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it's all for the best
It don't make sense
It don't add up
We'll always love you no matter what

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone
When you love someone

Come home early after class
Don't be hanging 'round the back of the schoolyard
And if we're crying on the couch
Don't let it freak you out
This has been so hard

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes the best intentions just ain't enough
Some things you can't tell your sister 'cause she's still too young
Yeah you'll understand
When you love someone
When you love someone
When you love someone
When you love someone

jumbles and shambles

There are so many things I want to say. To share. To voice out.
But it's all stuck at my throat.

There are so many things I see, I experience.
I'd leap to my feet, grabbed my phone but as I type,
I stopped.

I'm not sure how you would react.
How I should react after.
So many possibilities, so many outcome.

But the worst case stuck with us
and I pressed delete.

I say I trust you but why can't I press send?

You are whom I trust most
but you are also the person that cares about me most.

The possibility of losing a place where where I could run to,
terrifies me.
But then why am I the one running away?

Layer by layer,
I wrap myself with bubble wrap
to protect me yet at the same time,
I'm suffocating myself

I was walking one day
and when I finally stopped and look around,
and would I ask myself,
Where am I? How did I get here?
but the only answer I heard
was just the echoes in my head.

cookie